God has been teaching me about myself and how I react sinfully when I am afraid.  For instance, when I worry about money, my first reaction is to stress out and frantically look for part time work.  Money has been tight lately and I felt myself falling pray to sin by wanting to take control of the situation.  This time, instead of trusting myself, I thought, I must pray.  I prayed, "Lord, more than anything help me rely on you and not myself.  Help me to develop a trust in you when you promised to take care of us.  Most importantly Lord, help my unbelief."  A few minutes after that conviction of sin, I got a phone call from a friend who I used to babysit for.  She wanted to recommend a friend who needs someone to chaufeur their kids to and from school; what a faithful God we have!  Although nothing has happened with the phone call, it was God's reassurance that he is with us and he will never leave us.

My diaper "business" has been going well.  My customers were really impressed with the quality of the diapers and the workmenship of my mom's.  I thank God for this side job.  I keep thinking of the Proverbs woman and how hard she works for her family; she doesn't sleep at night to make clothes for them; she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands; she considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.  Not that I am like her, but I inspired to be.

Isaiah just got his first discipline for spitting out food.  We decided he cannot be picky with food and throw fits when there are things he doesn't like.  So far it's been hard, he gets really angry at me for making him eat certain things.  When he spits them up, I put them back in his mouth and he cries.  That went on for 15-20 mins until he decides to swallow the bite of food in his mouth. The funny thing is, he eats bananas but he wants it his way and in his time.  My job at this point is to train him to obey mommy and to break the will.  My marriage and parenting class has been helpful.  I was encouraged to be more consistent with my discipline and to start them early.  I am actually really looking forward to it; I am at the beginning of a really special training to teach him love, respect, and obedience.

Super Cute Printed, OS, Organic Bamboo Diapers like GM's

---

Hey Guys,

Check out my new fitted diapers!

They have super cute prints on them and are just like the brand name GoodMama diapers.

These are made with 9 layers of materials. The outside is made with a layer of cute printed fabric; the inside layers are made with the best quality hemp and organic bamboo. It is super soft and absorbent. Hemp and Bamboo are organic and are said to be antimicrobial.

These diapers are one size which means they can be adjusted as your baby grows.

Asking price, $15 each but I give good discount to all my friends.  I currently have 2 bicycle prints and 2 tool prints but more cute prints are coming so keep checking the post.

Let your friends know and feel free to write to me in the comment box if you have any questions.

Life is sweet at this particular time period of our lives. Ben started a new job at Summit Energy, I am busy with my domestic endeavors, and Isaiah is growing leaps and bounds. I love staying home with Isaiah; we read books, take walks around the seminary, and run errands. He is my little companion and I enjoy having him around. He just learn how to roll over and has been going back and forth on our queen size bed. I enjoy watching him practice these new skills; when I watch him, I can almost see his wheels turn. He is a curious little fellow who likes to take note of everything. He gets this intense look on his face as he concentrates. At such a young age, I believe babies can identify their needs and can manipulate what they want.


Isaiah needs his mommy time every day; he gets cranky if I don't hold him after a while. He snuggles some, most of the time he is too interested in the world to be still for long. Ben and I have already seen some of his personality. For most part he is a happy boy; when he wants something, however, he can get pretty demanding. I can already see strong will manifested in Isaiah.

We heard him laugh the other day when I gave him kisses under the chin, I would do anything to hear him laugh.

I enjoy my little guy but he is growing up way too fast. I wish I can pause this moment for a little while so I can hold him longer.

When I actually have time to spend, I like to sew, scrapbook, and read; I can get really into my hobbies and become a hermit. I have often thought about my parents as I work on my projects. I am like my dad in that he is detail oriented, he likes to perfect things, and he likes to learn new skills. I am like my mom in that I like to make things with my hands. She is awesome at sewing and knitting. When I was a little girl, I would sit and help her sew; I would help her take out stitches, cut out patterns, thread a needle; I didn't really then how much I actually learned from her. Its been fun.

Life is hectic these couple of months. Ben is working more than 60 hours each week and I am constantly trying to organize and reorganize our new place. I am glad God created me to constantly work so that I won't get bored at home.

Isaiah is a week short of being 3 months old. He can smile at me when I look at him and he can recognize my voice. He waits patiently for me to get him in the morning; he gives me one of his wide open smiles and I pick him up and give him kisses. I don't want him to get big, he is my baby and I want him to be just as he is a bit longer. I love being a mother. I can't describe to you the joy I feel and the love I have for my little guy. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him; anything that is good and wonderful. Its strange that I already have this deep jealousy for his love. One day he will become his own person and will not need me any longer. One day he will fall in love and get married and have his own family; he will no longer think of me as I think of him now. This feeling inside of me is strange yet very real. Perhaps this kind of love is the kind of love God has for us; an unconditional love; love that is sacrificial.

I am tired and weary, perhaps I should go to sleep.

This blog post took me four times to write. After becoming a mother, I didn't realize that I would develop brain farts that keeps me from forming coherent thoughts. After staying with us for a month, my mom is now back in Michigan, leaving the three to us to figure out our life together as a family. In just three weeks time I learned so much about my little man and being a mother. I finally understood why mothers know their babies so well; the constant feeding, the diaper changes, the crying sessions, it seems like the cycle never ends. Overall, we are doing really well. The late night feedings are hard but Isaiah drinks pretty fast and he is often very content after his feeding and diaper changes. This week, I have decided to let him cry a little before picking him up at night. Let me tell you this is an excruciating tasks. Isaiah's cries are often long, drawn out, and very loud. It seems like he wouldn't need to take a breather in between cries and he can go on for quite a while. It almost breaks my heart to see little tears welling from his eyes. I hold him all the time and I swear he is changing every minute. I already wish he would stay this little for a bit longer. This week, he must be going through a growth spurt because he wants to eat every one and a half hour. I know he isn't snacking because he would empty both breasts and would want more. Needless to say, feeding him has become a daunting tasks. Isaiah and I are working toward some sort of schedule. Being so young himself, he has a really hard time staying awake after feeding. After feeling really discouraged about not having any sort of routine, I called a friend and she encouraged me to give it time. She said that a schedule is something to work toward but it will take time. After talking to her, I feel much better about my perceived failure. It's funny all the different emotions you feel when you become a mother. I find that I have to keep myself from thinking how others perceive me. When my baby cries, I constantly have to fight the urge to explain to others why he is cranky. Today, I took Isaiah shopping and he woke up hungry at the store. I didn't know what to do so I pushed my cart aside and took him to my car to feed him. The heat was hot outside so I brought Isaiah into the store and fed him as I push the cart around. I felt as though others are saying, "Girl, you care more about your shopping than feeding your kid". I now understand why new moms stay at home.

We love Isaiah so much. He is a tough little guy and is generally pretty patient with his mom for trying many things on him. Honestly, there are times when I wonder why he hasn't gotten sick yet. By God's grace, we are getting through and enjoying every moment with him.

Here I am at 37 weeks. I haven't been sleeping very well so I have been extremely irritable. I suspect that Ben's been hiding out in his study to avoid me. I haven't had much of an appetite so all I want to do is drink fluids. I have a one quarter inch stretch mark that runs all the way to the top of my belly. Other than some discomfort, I can still do many things. I can still clean, do the laundry, and drive. That's all the update for now.

My 35 week checkup was today. Baby weighs about 6lbs 5 oz. It looks like he will be more on the bigger side, possibly in the 75th percentile. The ultrasound was incredible! I think the baby looks more like Ben but with my nose...we'll have to see about that. Can't wait to meet him.

Another update on the Bartlett family.

Jobs: We've talked to the lady at the company. She said that Ben essentially got the job but now they don't know whether the position is still available. So what does this all mean?....more waiting. Of course we were devastated at first but what can we really do but to move on and to search for other jobs in the meantime.

Our pastor preached a sermon on Jonah 4 today. The passage was about Jonah being angry at God for showing mercy to the Ninevites. The funny part of that passage to me was when God grew the vine to give Jonah some shade but then took it away. Even though that wasn't the whole message of the passage, what stood out to me was that God clearly did it to bring out Jonah's sin of his angry heart. The reason why I find that funny is that I totally understand Jonah's frustrations and anger. I often feel that God is testing me in the same way. I can truly say that I can often times relate to Jonah. God keeps having to sanctify me over and over again and causes me to be obedient to him despite my objections and stubborn heart.

Baby: he's doing well. He's 35 weeks and almost ready to come out. I am making good use of the time left to read and to enjoy the last bit of childlessness before he comes. I am very excited to meet him!

Prayer: Ben still needs a job, pray for baby to be healthy with no complications, pray for me to have Godly wisdom on how to raise Isaiah, pray that we will trust in God's goodness for our lives, pray that God will show us our purpose for being in Kentucky and our roles here.

During this time of waiting, God has been so good in blessing Ben and I with plenty of quality time together. Last night we curled up in bed, drank tea, and watched a movie. We often have moments like these where we share about children, relationships, values, theology and so forth. Simple things like that are meaningful to both of us, and it often draws us together as a couple. He is truly my best friend.

With a month left to go I often feel impatient to see the little guy's face but God knows when his time will come and I should rejoice in his good timing. It is amazing to know that soon we will have a little boy who is a combination of both Ben and I; the days of his life are marked by God and he has his special imprints on his life. As he is about to come, I often pray for Isaiah and his salvation; I pray that we will be devoted parents in raising him to know and love the Lord. As God has special purposes for each baby in the bible, I pray that Isaiah will be instrumental in God's work of redemption.

Women at my church have been such a blessing to me. They are a fount of wisdom and their examples have inspired me to learn and grow as well. I am also very thankful for the many resources that were given to me and now I want to share with you these things. I have been very encouraged by a book called, "A Mother's Heart." In it, Jean Fleming shares her vision and values for her family. The book encouraged me to understand how to teach my children to learn and to love God, how to set good realistic goals as a parent, how to encourage our kids, and to put our values on the right things. One of my biggest fears as a mother is that I won't be intentional about raising my children. I worry that they will grow up giving too much of their life to futile endeavors. Jean Fleming in this book gives me a better picture on how to intentionally raise my kids with the right values, vision, and character. Other books that I truly love include, "Shepherding a Child's Heart, " by Tedd Tripp, "One With a Shepard," by Mary Somerville, "BabyWise," "Stepping Heavenwards," by Elizabeth Prentice, and "Don't Make Me Count to Three," by Ginger Plowman. Others I plan to read include, "Instruments in the Redeemer's Hand," by Paul David Tripp, "Heaven at Home," by Ginger Plowman, and "Treasuring God in Our Traditions," by Noel Piper. I hope you enjoy these books as much as I do and I hope you will pass them down to other women who could use the same kind of encouragement.

I'm into my 33rd week of pregnancy and my hormones have finally surged to a whole new emotional level. Being out of work and less active has given me more time to think and to brood over all the things in my life that aren't right. Today a girl friend of mine took me grocery shopping with her. It was perfect timing because I needed so badly to get out of the house. The second redeeming part of the day was that I got to pick out a new lipstick, a pair of sunglasses, a few long tanks for my overgrown belly, and a new nail polish to do a French manicure. I didn't realize how good it felt to spend money on things like a one dollar lipstick. At this point in my pregnancy, I've grown to feel unattractive and sloppy. I wear the same pair of sweat pants 6 days a week because I haven't spent money on buying maternity clothes. With that said, my point is that it's necessary to do little things that makes you feel good once in a while.

Wow, what a fun weekend. Ben and I went home for my and Bethany's shower and received tons of stuff for baby Isaiah. We want to thank all our friends and family for coming and Debbie for throwing us the shower. We got tons of baby clothes, a bumble seat, money for the camera fund, toys, diapers, and a glider which we've been wanting forever. It was almost too tempting to leave Drew and Sarah behind so we can bring it home, but we thought it over and decided it wasn't a very nice thing to do. Besides, poor Drew got sick because of us and we felt pretty bad about it.

So I have a bit of news. I am completely done with Starbucks. Yea, there is finally light at the end of the tunnel. These days, my time is spent trying to organize and reorganize the house. The problem is, no matter how many things I try to get rid of, there never seems to be enough space. That got me quite depressed the other day as I sat there looking at the pile of stuff that I wanted to get rid of but couldn't. I think I've been feel quite emotional lately and I know it's due to my hormones.

Hum...maybe I should schedule a hospital tour. From reading Alicia's blog, it sounded like a lot of fun. I've been so mellow about the whole giving birth thing that I am afraid it's going to come back and bit me in the butt.

Here's a bit of update on the Bartlett family thus far; Ben has had his 2nd interview with Summit Energy and hopefully we will be hearing from them soon for a third/fourth interview. It will be God's blessing if he does get the job because we desperately need it at this point.

Although I don't always feel it, baby Isaiah is growing rapidly inside of me; he is now about 15 inches long and the size of a butternut squash. When I sit really quietly, I can see my stomach pop up and down. He's pushing up on my stomach, making it more uncomfortable to sit. Other than that, both Ben and I are really excited to meet him. We are also very excited to meet his cousin Abby who is due in the same month and possibly the same week as him. I can't wait to go home in March for Isaiah's and Abby's baby shower. It will be so much fun to celebrate with family and friends and get lots of presents.

Currently, I am still working for Starbucks and have 2 months left before I am done with the job. By God's blessing, it hasn't really been too hard on my body even though I am on my feet all day long.

Lately I am trying to learn how to keep a budget and to manage a home. This is a hard task and I have never been good at it. I do feel enthusiastic to learn and I think it should help us to be more organize with our finances. If anyone is good at budgeting, please do share tips with me.

In addition to that, I am also learning to scrapbook so we can have memories of Isaiah before and after he is born. I often regret that my mom doesn't remember the details of my birth and what I was like as a child. I think it will be really neat to have something written down for my children some day. With that said, scrap booking is expensive. Thanks to Grandma Bartlett, I have some materials to get me started on. I think I will start out small and do a page at a time. Scrap booking is not as easy as it seems and it takes a lot of creative energy. I will slowly add pages to the book as he goes through different developmental stages. That's it for now. Hopefully I will take some good pictures to post soon.

BTW, thanks for all your comments and encouragements!! I appreciate you reading my blog and commenting on them, I find it very helpful!

Does anyone have favorite children's book recommendations? How about toys? I have a hard time knowing what kind of toys are good for baby's growth and such. There are so many toys out there that doesn't seem to make sense to me. Also, I am not sure what to think of Baby Einstein videos, any suggestions?

I decided to take a stroll around the mall today because it's my day off and I wanted to do something while my husband went to a basketball game with his friends. Out of curiosity, I went in the kid stores to check out prices for kid's clothing. I was not surprised to find that everything was, of course, overpriced. $20 dollars for a sweater!! No way, I am going to Goodwill. Isaiah already has more than enough clothing hanging in his closet. Proudly to say, he will be one well dressed kid. As you know, my nesting tendencies has become too strong to fight off. Thank goodness for Goodwill because I can satisfied my mothering instinct and still not spend a lot of money.

Afterwards, I decided to stop by ToysRUs for the first time. I walked around the store literally five minutes before I became overwhelmed by all the stuff they have specifically for babies. Wow, it's amazing. I think next time, I will ask someone to come along.

New Random: My new favorite quote of the day from my husband, "If I ever meet Ralph Lauren, I'm gonna punch him in the mouth."

So...is it bad to register for a camera on our baby registry? I normally wouldn't do this because it seems very shady but, really, all I want from the baby registry is a nice camera to take good pictures of Isaiah. I understand that a camera is very expensive so I guess I am asking for cash or gift cards to Target instead of baby clothes and such so we can save up for the camera. Another advantage of a having a nicer camera too is that we can take more pictures to put on the web!! How's that for a sales pitch? Well, pass the word along and we'll see what happens.

In the midst of all my excitement I was unable to blog about the baby until now. In case you didn't already know, Ben and I are having a little boy!! I would've loved to have a little girl too except Ben feels most comfortable being a father to a little son first; I think it's a combination of being male, being nervous relating to a girl, and needing to be overly protective with a daughter. I, on the other hand, don't mind either way, except it makes me so happy that Ben has a son. I wouldn't mind if the baby looks and act more like him. We have already received so many blessings from God. We have a crib, car seat, stroller, baby swing, some books, an infant carrier, a tub, a pack and play, and super cute baby clothes; I spent less than $50.00 altogether! Whatever else we need, I am hoping to get later with gift cards from Target that people can give us. That will be more useful than anything else. The baby is now kicking in my stomach, although very slightly. I keep trying to imagine his face and what he's doing in there. He's very cute and I can't wait to meet him. He's already very loved by his grandparents and his many aunts and uncles. To all of you out there, be ready because this kid will be one rambunctious child. Thanks for loving him anyways. I'll update more later.

This Christmas I understand why people say the holiday season is a depressing time of the year. Everything about the holiday makes us feel completely alone. The holiday season makes us think of relationships we had with people, both the good and the bad. Holiday shopping makes me wish I can give more for people I love. Even nicely decorated houses makes me wish we can embellish our home with pretty garlands and wreaths. This Christmas, both Ben and I are feeling the blues. We are discontent with where we are in life, what we are doing here in Louisville, and relationships we wish were better back home.

Of course there are many things to be thankful for as well. During this holiday season, God has given us with a baby whom we already love. Both Ben and I have the blessing of good health and God is never slow to give us our daily bread. When I feel blue, I think of all those people that truly loves us and I am thankful for them.

Maybe this year God is trying to show us what Christmas is really all about. When everything we cherish seems small and distant, we can rely on Jesus, the everlasting God. After all, he is the only one that will never change, will never fail us, will never disappoint.

What does Christmas mean anyways? It meant that we have a personal hope of being with God someday because a savior is born to take away our sins. Why is that important you say? It is important because when we are with God, we will never again have pain, hopelessness, and despair; we will enjoy God forever because he is the father of all good things.

Today's dinner is fried fish with sweet and sour sauce, pork bone and watercrest soup, and rice. I had to eat this all by myself of course since my husband can't stand the smell of fish.

I made grilled fish with sweet and sour sauce today. The only problem I had was that the kind of fish I used had too many bones in.

Here's another Chinese recipe that I made up and really like. Stir Fry Snow Pea Chicken with Shitake Mushrooms.

Ingredients:
snowpeas-1 large handful
1 piece large chicken breast - sliced into thin pieces
1 small can of bamboo shoots
1 8oz carton of Shitake mushrooms
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 tablespoons oyster sauce
2 tablespoon cornstarch
2 teas sugar
1 tablespoon veg or corn oil
chili sauce (optional for additional flavor)


Add 1 tbsp cornstarch to chicken pieces and let sit for 10 mins. Heat Lg nonstick pan with oil under med-high heat, add garlic and saute 30 seconds. Add mushrooms and saute 5 mins or until tender and soft. Add bamboo shoots and snowpeas, saute another 5-10 mins (until snow peas become tender). Remove vegs from pan and hold on a plate. Saute chicken breast until it is no longer pink. Stir together 1 tbsp cornstarch, 2 tbsp oyster sauce, 2 teas sugar, and 2 tbsp water and add to the chicken. Add the vegetables. Add chili sauce if desired. Stirfry another 2 mins. Serve with rice.

I made chicken lomein the other day and it turned out fantastic. Here is my recipe.

NOTE: Before you think this is TOO complicated, it's not. Make sure you have all the ingredients beforehand and do all the prep work in advanced. If you don't have these ingredients, I would suggest going to an Asian grocery store and buy everything you need there, it will save you a lot of time. Also, sauces I used here will be standard for most Asian dishes so it is worth investing in. Before you begin, read over the whole recipe so you know the general gist of what you need to do, trust me, it will seem a lot simpler to you. The recipe is kinda general because it depends mostly on how much food you make so taste test as you go. Feel free to add/subtract more sauces if you need. Besides the sauces, it won't really matter how much Lomein, mushrooms, or bok choy you use because it won't really alter the taste, so add more mushrooms if you like mushrooms. Call me if you have questions.

-You can use any kind of meat/seafood you want. I used chicken. Cut up one or two pieces of Chicken breasts into bit size pieces. Put in about 1 tsp of cornstarch to soften the meat. Cornstarch makes the meat very tender, be careful not to use too much.
-2 carrots peeled and cut into matchsticks
-a handful of shitake mushrooms. If you use dried ones, you can boil them in hot water for a few minutes and then drain the water out. Cut into smaller pieces lengthwise.
-I used baby bok choy. You may also use napa cabbage if you don't know where to find baby bok choy.
-Lomein noodles. As you can see, I used thick egg noodles. They are usually in the freezer section at the oriental store. If you can't find them, you can use dried egg lomein noodles but they do not have the same texture. The kind I use have a chewier texture.
-minced garlic
-soy sauce
-hoisin sauce
-oyster sauce
-chili pepper sauce or jus plain hot sauce (preferably Asian kind)
-Chinese cooking wine or sherry

Take out Lomein noodles and loosen them out with your hands unless you are using the dry kind. Boil some water in a quart size pan, enough to boil the noodles in. You can use however much noodles you need depending on how much you will eat. Put the noodles in the boiling water and separate them apart. After a few mins, when the noodles looked al dante, drain them and run cold water on them (This will prevent the noodles from sticking together). Heat a Lg NONSTICK pan with veg/canola oil over medium heat. Saute the garlic for 30 secs, add carrots, and mushrooms. Saute for another few mins or until the mushrooms and carrots appear soft. Remove mushrooms and carrots and put in a side dish. Lower the temperature to a med-low heat. Add more oil to the pan, wait until it is warm but NOT BURNING HOT and then add the drained cold noodles. This is important (keep separating the noodles with a pair of chopsticks in the pan so that it does not stick to the bottom). Let the noodles sit and become somewhat fried on the bottom. After the noodles are soften on top and crunchy on the bottom, slide it off the pan to a large plate. Add the mushrooms and carrots back to the pan, add 2 tablespoon of hoisin sauce, 2 tablespoons of oyster sauce, 3 squirts of soy sauce, a tsp of chili pepper sauce, a tbsp of chinese cooking wine, and a quarter cup of cold water mixed with cornstarch. Taste the sauce and adjust it to your liking. (The cornstarch will make the sauce thicker, make sure it looks like gravy consistency before you add it to the noodles). When the sauce is heated up, poor the mixture to the noodles and serve.

Chinese store: Da Hua on Preston Highway.

Have you ever felt that it is hard to stand out as a Christian in a world that is so much louder and more pretentious then you? Where sincerity means you make sure everyone around you knows and sees what you are doing? Where you have to shout in order to be heard, where you have to be above and beyond everyone if you want to be recognized? As Christians, how do we fight these battles? How do we live a contrary life as Christ taught us to have humility rather than pride; meekness rather than strength? It has been hard for me to know how to be a light to the world. I feel as though I am going against the current. Do I strive to be like the world? Do I conform myself to how the world wants me to behave? Do I have to be bigger, better, or bolder in order to be known? How will Christ be seen through me? I don't know the answer.

I've been tagged. The game is, I have to write seven things about myself that is funny/weird/quirky. Hum...shouldn't be too hard. Also I am suppose to tag two other bloggers to do the same. OK, so here it goes.

1. I got weird crazy cravings long before I became pregnant. I will crave whatever I think about, read about, and see on TV. Once it's in my head, it will stay there until I satisfy the craving. Salty fish, Kim Chee, fried okra, lemon grass soup, anything really.

2. I get freaked out by worms. One time I had to climb on my husband's back at Antietam because there were so many of them on the side walk.

3. I have had three different guys give me the "we are just friends" talk. It was totally unexpected since I wasn't trying to be anything more than just friends. I was overly friendly I guess.

4. Before my family came to America, we had to spend 6 months in the Philippians. One time my mother bought 4 mac apples, one for each of us. (We never had apples before, they were expensive.) After I ate mine, I was tempted to eat my dad's also. I finally caved in and ate his. I have felt guilty ever since that my dad didn't get his apple. Everytime I think of that story, I am on the brink of tears at how selfish I was.

5. I have a hard time enjoying dinner at a restaurant if a server who is older than 60 years old serves me.

6. When I was 8, I fought a black boy for picking on my best friend. He got in trouble of course and I didn't.

7. When I am nervous around people, my grammar gets worse and I clam up.


Wow, that was fun. Now I tag
Vanessa Kynes
Anne Diffy

We heard baby's heartbeat the other day. The doctor placed cold gel on my tummy and ran a Doppler around my stomach. The first sound we heard was my heartbeat. He did this for a while until we heard thump, thump, thump, thump, thump at a pace that seems to be twice as fast as my own heartbeat...BABY. He said that it's heartbeat is strong and consistent, everything seems to be developing as it should and we should see him in another month. It became real to me to hear the heartbeat of my own child. This creature is completely different than me or Ben but it's life is totally dependent on me. Ben told everyone that day how amazing it was to hear his baby inside of me. When he left for work that day he said, "I Love you, both of you."

I've been thinking about my dad lately, about the relationship between him and I and the dynamic of our family. I was ashamed that I have not called my father in person to tell him of my pregnancy. It is unloving conduct that puts me to shame. The root of the problem is that I am deeply fearful of talking to my dad. It saddens me that I have never had a conversation with my father. Growing up I seldom felt affections from him in any emotional sense and I never longed for it. He never shared any feelings with his children and what's going on in his life, he always felt very distant to us. My father's inability to communicate with his family has isolated him from the lives of his children. Both my brother and I try to avoid any type of conversations with my father because we are so uncertain of his reaction. There is almost nothing in common to talk about between him and us. He doesn't know how to respond to even the simplest type of conversations. When I think about my dad, I cannot think without a feeling deep pain for his loneliness, his isolation from people, from his family. I can sense in his eyes his longings to be known, his longings for love, his longings to know us, yet he cannot get beyond his emotional wall. I can only guess that the root of his problems are the deep pains that only he can see; pains of war, pains of losing a father at the age of 13, pains of poverty, and pains of losing a respected brother in war.

With my father there is one thing I am certain of; it is that he loves deeply despite his inability to communicate. It is impossible that a person who feels so much cannot love. I always wonder what God can do with a person like my dad. I wonder why he suffers so much and I pray desperately that there is hope for his soul.

To this day, my brother is still affected by my father's actions. Like him, he is unable to communicate love deeply. The difference between my brother and I is that God has demonstrated his love to me as a father through many wonderful influences in my life; he has given me a husband whose affections for me taught me the wonderful joy of being loved. I am more open to love with my life because I can see how silences destroys families. I hope that my children will never experience the suffering of not knowing love.

For the last few days I've been cooking up a storm, making traditional Chinese meals. Maybe it's my pregnancy cravings but instead of wanting fatty foods or things I normally find appealing, I've been longing for a taste of home; home that I used to know when I was a little girl.

Today I spent 4 hours stewing a pot of dried cabbage and pork bone soup. In the Chinese culture, the art of making soup for the family is a task that a good traditional wife ought to perfect. It was essential to have a pot of soup for "mon fon" (dinner) along with other complimentary dishes. The soup takes center stage to the rest of the meal. After years of studying from her mother and grandmother, a wife will learn to perfect her own soup using traditional ingredients, expensive herbs and spices, and most importantly, time. A good pot of soup will usually stew for a few hours. The soup is beautifully done when all the nutrients are entirely cooked out of the ingredients; they call this having enough fire power.

I am usually not one of those you would call a traditional Chinese girl. I have not mastered the art of Chinese cooking and I certainly do not need to eat rice in order to feel full. As I grow older and have a home of my own, I often long for the taste of foods that I once find unsophisticated and odd. Take the dried cabbage soup for example, my mother used to spend hours trying to convince me to drink it for good health. I would never have thought that, one day, I would seek and long for that familiar taste that I can't describe. I hope to continue to learn and master the art of Chinese cooking. As I begin to think more about how to raise my family, I realized that I long to teach them the culture and language that is instilled inside of me.

A few blogs previously, I was struggling with some difficult decisions in our lives. We were deciding between going to Seminary, finishing my certification, and starting a family. Almost a year later, almost all of our questions has been answered. Ben and I are now in Seminary, working part time, and having a baby. Yes, yes, I said baby.

I am now in my eighth week of pregnancy and my baby is now the size of a kidney bean. I just learned that its brain has started forming as well as the fingers and eyelids. It is a wonder how this tiny little thing inside of me can make me so sick. On most days, I feel nauseous all day and night long. Foods that I once loved to eat seems so unappetizing to me now. Some days I feel well enough to cook a meal, other days, I'm not able to stand the sight and smell of food. I used to love eating chicken and steak, now I prefer fresh fruits and veggies. I have eaten so many pineapples that my mouth is sore from the acidity. By God's grace, I can still work but it is exhausting at times. I sleep about 12 hours a night and maybe take one nap/day. My friends tells me to take naps as I need them because my body is using a lot of energy to make organs and things. It is difficult being a mother and it is also difficult preparing to be one as well. People have asked me how Ben has reacted to the news of a new baby. Besides telling me that he is happy but nervous, he hasn't really said too much about it. Ben is not one to go goo goo gaga over things. On occasion however, he would speak directly to my belly and say, "hello baby, it's your daddy." We have some names picked out but I have decided not to tell everyone.

Please pray for us if you can. Pray that God will use us to raise a child that will seek after his own heart. Pray that we won't be anxious about anything but to go to him in prayers. Pray that Ben and I will have a steady income, and pray that we will have timely insurance to take care of doctors visits and such. God Bless.

We had communion today and it made me question myself and where I am with God. I've been a little embarrassed at how I have been doing lately, spiritually . To be quite honest, it has been a long time since I have had good quality time with God. When I do my bible reading, I find that I read it for the purpose of knowing what it says rather than trying to understand what God is saying to me. My prayer time is often time short and on most days, I am too distracted by other things to remember. I've felt guilty about my spiritual droop and that caused me to avoid thinking about it altogether. I realized that I been hiding behind my Christian facade for too long, and no one really knows about my spiritual struggles. I often struggle with whether Christ is real to me or not. When I think about it, I am not sure I feel the extent of Christ's sacrifice. Shouldn't I be a changed creature? Why am I still scared of people rather than speaking out for God? How do I contribute to God's Kingdom? I feel like I fall so short. I am so ashamed because I am so weak. How do I continue to fight this battle when I feel like I have already lost?

Ben and I got a new laptop today. We waited for a long time before we convinced ourselves that we "need one." Although it is quite fun I still can't justify the need for this new toy. I am convinced that once we get used to the laptop we will have a hard time without it, and will depend on it just like we depend on cell phones or mulitple cars. I wonder how we ever survived without those things in the past.

We have had many people ask Ben and I when we are going to have a baby. It seems to come up a lot since I joined facebook. I am guessing that people ask because babies are naturally a pleasant thing that they are curious about. Also other people's babies are fun because you can play with them and then give them back at the end of the day. Some of my friends are even asking me to have one!! It amuses me so much. Of course I don't want to disappoint so the only option is to try and please everyone. : )

I find that I am the most content when I am at home. It doesn't matter what i do, I can read, cook, clean, decorate, run errands, do the dishes and I am happy. Some women have a hard time being at home, some have a hard time feeling stuck carrying out the domestic affairs in the home. On the opposite end, I struggle with how not to make my home an idol. I struggle with wondering, is it wrong to put so much time and energy into making my home beautiful or spending time on a wonderful home cooked meal? I wonder how it is that serving my husband and being at home is a service to God because it is just too easy for me to do that. I love it!!

There are times when I feel looked down upon for my love of home life. Sometimes I even feel embarrassed that people see me without ambition and drive for a career. I feel as though they are judging me saying that I am lazy and, therefore, I have no desire to work. The truth is, I am constantly battling between my ambition to suceed in the world's eye and my true love of being a wife, a mother, and a domestic caretaker. The truth is, the reason why I care so much about how people think of me is because I am a prideful person who wants others to think highly of me based on my achievements. The reason why I set my value on my achievements is because that is how society has taught us to value other people. As a Christian it is wrong of me to use that same standard to find my self worth. God is our creator who made us for his purpose and not our own. When we draw value from what other people think of us and not what God thinks of us, we are worshipping an idol. I have been humbled lately by how little I have achieved in the world's eyes. My life is simple and small and God can use it any way he wants it. If God decides to achieve big things in my life, it is for his glory, if he decides not to use my life in big ways, then I have to be content living faithfully for him.

OUR MINI REUNION: LOUISVILLE AUGUST 2007


































We all had a great time.

so our computer broke down and I am now at the library trying to update my blog. Wow, what a summer. We have had so many visitors this summer. First Dave and Peter came for Spring Break, then dad came to run in a marathon, then the gramps, then my brother, his wife and some family friends, and most recently Bethany and Aaron. Next week, our college buds are coming to visit for the weekend and I am thrilled to see them. I am glad we are able to stay in touch and I love them with all my heart.

Ben and I are doing well. God has blessed us so much by giving us a great church to be part of. Ben has been meeting with some guys from Third and I am meeting with some women on a regular basis. It has only been a couple of weeks but I already love getting to know the women at Third. What I needed all along (and didn't really know it) was to have some good Godly perspectives in my life who isn't my husband's. It's been such a blessing.

I am continually learning so much about homemaking. It is such a joy to be able to spend time making my home a place of refuge. I hope to be more hospitable to other people since God has really blessed us with so much.

I think I will try photography, I really like it!

Our own little world

God has been so gracious to me lately. I am adjusting to work quite well; having a routine helps me to stay diciplined with my time. The relational aspect of work is still tough since there is little I have in common with people there. I often feel intimidated to speak my mind and I feel shut in from sharing my opinions, my worldview, and my life. At work, I am criticized, and critiqued; at times, I am the scapegoat for mistakes that happen. Through all these things, I have truly learned to be content with my situation. I was overjoyed today that God choose to dicipline me. I have learned to feel humble when I am wrong; I feel joy when I am not well liked; I am grateful when people are kind. Today, I felt a shadow being lifted from me. I am no longer afraid of people and what they can do to me. I gladly accept my plight, and I give thanks to God for driving out all fears that have been a stronghold for me in the past. Today, I understood that I am God's child.

I am done reading Elizabeth Prentiss's biography called "More Love to Thee." It is interesting that both she and I share similar characteristics; we are both deeply emotional and passionate creatures. We get exhausted by people yet we are at our best when serving them. This paragraph describes our temperament well;

"Her temperament was volatile and passionate. When her mood swing was high, she could be enormously energetic and productive; she would throw herself furiously into whatever project was occupying her at the time. This would be followed by total exhaustion and cooresponding depression..."

I have often wondered what God can do with powerful emotions like mine. I feel guilty for being so emotionally unstable because I thought it was sign of spiritual immaturity. After reading Elizabeth Prentiss' biography, I see that God can use people like her to glorify his name. In this book, I can relate to many things she struggles with. When I am emtionally low it is hard to pray and I feel like I have lost God's presense. Then I turn to God and rely on His strength to get through and it draws me closer to him.

I love Elizabeth Prentiss's description of spiritual growth. It speaks directly to my feelings about my spiritual life. She writes,

"God never places us in any position in which we can not grow. We may fancy that He does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward. Perhaps in the time of our humiliation, when everything seems a failure, we are making the best kind of progress. God delights to try our faith by the conditions in which He places us. A plant set in the shade shows where its heart is by turning towards the sun, even when unable to reach it. We have so much to distract us in this world that we do not realize how truly and deeply, if not always warmly and consciously, we love Christ. But I believe that this love is the strongest principle in every regenerate soul. It may slumber for a time, it may freeze nearly to death; but sooner or later it will declare itself as the ruling passion."

I am exhausted. I chatted with my mom last night and told her that work is so exhausting. From her own experience, she told me that I will eventually get use to it. My mom is super woman. When she was in Vietnam, she worked three jobs and still took care of her family. I was really encouraged by her even though she said little to make me feel better. Maybe it’s because I know she knows what it’s like and much much more. You see, I have gotten use to the idea that I will be a wife and a mother someday. I have enjoyed knowing that my husband will work and I will take care of the family. Sometimes, I even despise working. I have forgotten how hard my parents worked to give us a good life; I have forgotten how to appreciate Ben for all those times he provided for the family.

While conversing with God one day, I said to him, “Lord, surely there is much more value to life than this?” Then he spoke to me and I was encouraged to keep doing what I have been doing. It’s almost as if he is saying to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weaknesses. It was clear to me then that he wanted me to rely on him everyday of my life. My weaknesses required that I draw strength from him, and that in turn, draws me close to God. Oh how long I have missed the point of it all. No matter work or play, I haven’t relied on God for strength and guidance in the past. He has helped me to experience fully his sweet love by putting me in a circumstance that is beyond my comfort.

This is a response to my earlier blog from Pastor Phillip Way in Texas. Thanks for the excellent exhortation of the Word. I hope that everyone who reads my blog will benefit from it.


Phillip M. Way said...

Good question. And the best place to start is with the character of God – because that is at the root of the question, isn’t it? When we ask why God has done or said something ultimately we are asking to know more about God Himself, either because we question His goodness or we do not understand His motives. Let me say first that it is okay to ask “Why”. Jesus did. “My God, My God, WHY have You forsaken Me?” And looking at Jesus there on the cross we find our answer. We see there God’s true nature and attributes.

God is absolutely holy. In fact, the only characteristic of God that is ever repeated 3 times in a row (for emphasis and affect) is His holiness. He is above all else holy. The angels around His throne who guard His glory proclaim forever and ever that He is “Holy, Holy, Holy.” (Isaiah 6:1-4) It is hard for us to comprehend the extent of His holiness. It is not that God will not sin. He cannot sin! He is so holy that He cannot commit sin (Titus 1:2).

The terror then is in finding out that He is so holy that His justice must be upheld by the pouring out of His wrath upon sin. The wages of sin has been and always will be death (Rom 6:23). The good news of the gospel is found in the grace and mercy of God given to those who deserve only death from Him. Yet as we even remember on Good Friday, it was His Son who was put to death as our substitute, beaten, mocked, scourged, and crucified. Why? To pay for our sin. To die for us. To satisfy the justice of God by bearing the full wrath of God.

Since He was completely innocent Himself (1 Peter 3:18), He was able to give to us His right standing with God and take away the penalty for our sin so that by faith we can stand before God justified (Rom 5:1). He died so that we might live.

At this point I am sure we are all in agreement, and many are wondering why I have not answered the question! But we must have this foundation laid before we can see how God can be just in decreeing the death of the nations who opposed Israel in the Old Testament.

So why did God do that? How in the world is He glorified with the death of these people?
Further, did these people deserve to die at the hands of the Israelites? And how is this not contrary to the commandment “Thou shalt not kill”?

God did it because He is glorified when His holiness is proclaimed and upheld. How did these events broadcast His holiness? God does not close His eyes to sin. He is no respecter of persons. Outside of His grace shown in Christ every person who is born a sinner deserves to pay the price for his or her sin. How many of us are born as sinners? All of us (Rom 3:23). So we all deserve destruction.

In His carrying out this sentence against sinners, we must be clear, these people who were killed in the OT were not innocent. In fact, the things that they did against each other, their children, and against God and His people more than makes it plain that they were judged by God for their sin. Over and over He enumerates their sin and tells us why He had them killed.

As He often does throughout history, He used one nation (in this case Israel) to bring judgment upon another nation. Let us not forget that God did the same thing when the Assyrians conquered Israel and they never returned to the land, and the Babylonians took Judah captive for 70 years. God uses nations to accomplish His purposes in bringing judgment and in brining redemption!

Let us not forget that God standing in judgment against these wicked nations prepared the land for the coming of the Messiah. From the time of the establishment of the covenant with Abraham God moved and worked to bring His people to this Promised Land for one objective – to point us to the Incarnation – to make a way to send the Savior.

Does this act of God carrying out justice make Him hateful or inconsistent? Of course not. For Him to allow sin to go without punishment would be out of character. Too often we think that those who are judged are the exception – as if no one should be judged and all should be ushered into heaven without prejudice. But God has a plan. In that plan He will be glorified in saving His people and in judging His enemies. And let us not forget that before we were His people we were His enemies!! (Rom 5:8)

But what about the command not to kill? The commandment is actually a command not to murder. An act of warfare is not murder. Murder is the taking of an “innocent” life. And the penalty for murder is death. When the government, given to uphold the law (Rom 13:3-4), puts a criminal to death they are not murdering him. They are killing him and that killing is justified. So acting on God’s command to kill the enemies of Israel was not an act of murder. It was justice. It was God upholding His holiness through His people.

This reminds us also of the price for sin. The little things we allow in our lives that we know displease God – it is still sin and the wages of sin is still death. So why does God not kill us? Because Christ died for us. Understand though that even while we may be saved, there are still consequences to sin. He disciplines us (Heb 12:5-6). And we may still die as a direct result of our sin. In fact, unless Christ returns, we will all die physically. Why? We are sinners!

If God is so holy and sin so heinous that God is glorified in destroying whole nations of people for their sin then we should be driven to question our own nation, our churches, and our families. How do we live? In a way that demands God’s justice? Or in a way that proclaims the goodness of His grace and His longsuffering mercy? Are we striving to be holy just as He is holy? (1 Peter 1:15-16)

One last thought – we must remember that even when a death is an accident (9from our perspective) it serves to remind us all that unless we repent of our sin and believe Jesus Christ, we will all likewise perish! (Luke 13:1-5) Death is a constant reminder that we are waiting for the finished redemption of our bodies at glorification. Death reminds us how dreadful sin really is. And death illuminates for us the great glory of God and His grace and mercy given to us in Christ Jesus.

If you are interested, as a means of further study, I have preached a few sermons relevant to the questions asked. The first I’d recommend it titled “Repentance or Ruin” and is preached from Mark 10:17-27. You can download or listen for free here.

I also preached a series through the books of Jonah and Nahum and there we see how God deals with the city of Nineveh. Several messages are relevant to nations and their sins, and to God’s dealings with His enemies, so look at the messages available in this series here.

Finally – if my post raises more questions feel free to ask! The more we ask the more we know about how great our God really is!!

~pastorway

Wow, thank you Pastor for that incredible insight! Actually I have been thinking and praying to God for an answer to this question, in fact, I couldn't sleep tonight so I woke up to blog about it. It is interesting that I have come to the same conclusion except I could never express it so clearly and my thoughts are incomplete. My conclusions were, everyone of us deserves death whether it is now or in the future. God is a holy God and he cannot and will not punish those that are completely innocent (no one is), therefore, what he did was just. Everyone of us will answer to God someday for the decisions we make or don't make. The Amorites clearly choose against God in Joshua; they saw that God was with the Israelites and they fought against them. God can and will use both the Godly and the ungodly things of the world to glorify his name and to fullfil his plans and promises.

So those are some of my thoughts. Thanks be to God for his word and for people who studied it. At the same time, it is humbling that God is so vast that our measly little mind cannot understand him completely. It is awesome that he chooses to reveal himself to us.

I can't believe I have never gone through Joshua. I think it is one of those books that I thought I had read since I know the children's story. Anyways, I am reading Joshua right now and I have a really hard time with it. As I am reading, I find it disheartening that God can order Joshua to kill off everyone including children and women in order to fulfill his covenant with the Israelites. It's been really hard for me to pray. I feel anger inside as I try to understand a God who has all power and dominion over the universe and chooses to do as he please for his glory. Can someone please explain to me how we, as Christians, can justify to others why our God commands that we do not murder yet he can orchestrate the whole thing himself? I am at a loss.

Let me give you a tour of the apartment.

Ben's library

The Plaque on Ben's wall says

Ben's Library

Ben and I love laying here with our windows open on a warm sunny day

Our Bedroom has sliding doors that lead to the outside

Looking back I am not sure how we got through the last few years of our lives. Seven years ago, Ben and I entered college; we dated two years later, Ben graduates, Our friends graduate and moved away, Ben started a new job, we got engaged, got married, Ben started another job, Ben's mom died, I graduated, my brother got married and bought a house, his sister got married, Ben's brother moved to college, we moved to Kentucky and started Seminary.

Throughout these series of events God's grace has lifted us. Looking back reminded me that we serve a GOD who is faithful and full of grace. Our GOD knows us when we are despaired, when we are joyful, and when we are weary. He's been with us through many times of trials in our family and in our marriage. His promises are great and his love is eternal.

There is just something weird about meeting new people and starting new relationships. Once again I feel a sense of uncertainty as I seek to know people in a new place at a new time. Yesterday we became members at 3rd Avenue Baptist Church. I am thrilled to be part of this wonderful church. The people are loving and have a mature faith, they are all my around my age, and they can teach me a lot about being a better woman of God. On the car ride home, instead of feeling ecstatic, I was feeling lonely. I don't know why, maybe it's the sense that I have to build something new again; maybe it's because I feel uncertain of my place here, uncertain of my own personality and idiosyncrasies, of knowing my roles at this church. Back at my former church, things were comfortable, I knew people and they knew me. The thing is, I know relationships come with time. I know that I have to give of myself if I want to build intimacy with other people; still, building trust can be hard. It can bring up all the insecurities you have about yourself and your past. I miss my college buddies. I miss having people that truly knows us.

Here is a puritan prayer from The Valley of Vision.

O LORD,
Help me to approach thee
with becoming conception of thy nature, relations and designs.

Thou inhabitets eternity, and
my life is nothing before thee;

Thou dwellest in the highest heaven and this cannot contain thee;
I live in a house of clay.

Thy power is almighty;
I am crushed before the moth.

Thy understanding is infinite;
I know nothing as I ought to know.

Thou canst not behold evil;
I am vile.

In my ignorance, weakness, fears, depressions,
may thy Spirit help my infirmities
with supplies of wisdom, strength and comfort.

Let me faithfully study my character,
be willing to bring it to light,
observe myself in my trials,
judge the reality and degree of my grace,
consider how I have been ensnared or overcome.

Grant that I may never trust my heart,
depend upon any past experiences,
magnify any present resolutions,
but be strong in the grace of Jesus;
that I may know how to obtain relief from a guilty conscience without feeling reconciled to my imperfections.

Sustain me under my trials and improve them to me;
give me grace to rest in thee,
and assure me of deliverance.

May I always combine thy majesty with they mercy,
and connect thy goodness with they greatness.

Then shall my heart always rejoice in praises to thee.

It is so exciting when God answer prayers directly. First we prayed that Ben would get better from his sickness so he can study for his midterms. One day, walking back from class, Ben miraculously got better; his sinus cleared up, his throat stopped hurting, and his nose stopped running. All this happened right before he needed to study for midterms. The second answered prayer is that I would get the chance to talk to my co-workers about God. I realized that everytime I pray before work, I would have amazing conversations with people about Christ. How awesome is that???

Sorry about not updating you sooner since the last post. Time is passing by so fast and I have no idea where it has gone. I am thankful that we rarely feel bored and lacking in activities although nothing extrodinary has been happening. Ben and I are getting to know people in our church and it's been really fun. We are such relational creatures and we want people to know us so badly. It's interesting that God created us to want to be known, just like God wanted us to know him.

God reminded me lately that while I work to help the family, I am still not head of the home. I was so consumed lately on how to provide for us that I have forgotten Ben is the leader of our home. It was wrong of me to think that I can take over Ben's responsibility. When I was consumed in my thoughts about financial stuff, I forgot that God wanted Ben to lead, he wanted us (women) to do nothing that will take over our husband's job. God reminded me that Ben has to step up and lead. I feel so relieved that Ben has the heart to lead. I feel free to trust that I am not responsible for working, taking care of our kids (when we have some), and making everything work. Growing up my mom was the one who held the family together and I learned to take the same mindset; never did I think that God did not intend for the family to work that way. His role for each member in the family is to create a working order that is ultimately healthy and protective in nature. If men take on the leadership role, then women are more free to take on their roles. I have to be reminded that God has something to teach Ben and I am not to get in the way of his learning.

I have grown so much from reading the book, "The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment," by Jeremiah Burroughs. I would even say that this book is essential to every growing Christian. It will help you understand your sin from discontentment and free yourself from the struggles of this world. If you can get through the book, it will enrich your life immensely. Let me quote some of his work.

Page 107 on the burden of prosperity.
"In a Prosperous condition there is the burden of duty. You look only at the sweetness and comfort, the honour and respect that they have who are in a prosperous position, but you must consider the duty that they owe to God. God requires more duty at their hands than at yours. You are ready to be discontented because you have not got such gifts and abilities as others have, but God requires more duty of those who have greater wealth than of you who have not such wealth. Oh, you would fain have the honour, but can you carry the burden of duty? Those who enjoy great wealth and a prosperous condition have a great account to give to God. We are all stewards, and one is a steward to a meaner man, perhaps but to an ordinary knight, another is a steward to a nobleman, an earl; now the steward of the meaner man has not so much as the other under his hand, and shall he be discontented because of this? No, he thinks, I have less, and I will have to give the less account. So your account, in comparison of the minister's and magistrate's, will be nothing; you are to give an account of your own souls and so are they, you are to give an account for your own family and so are they, but you will not have to give account for congregations, and for towns, and cities and countries. You think of princes and kings-Oh, what a glorious position they are in! But what do you think of a king who has to give account for the disorder and wickedness in a kingdom he might possibly have prevented?

Another example of his writing, page 129
You will find a noteworthy story in Plutarch to illustrate this: In the life of Pyrrhus, one Sineus came to him, and would fain have had him desist from the wars, and not war with the Romans. He said to him, "May it please your Majety, it is reported that the Romans are very good men of war, and if it please the gods that we overcome them, what benefit shall we have of that victory?" Pyrrhus answered him, "We shall then straightway conquer all the rest of Italy with ease," "Indeed that is likely which is your Grace speaks," said Sineus, "but when we have won Italy, will our wars end then?" "If the gods were pleased," said Pyrrhus, "that the victory were achieved, the way would then be made open for us to attain great conquests, for who would not
afterwards go into Africa, and so to Carthage?" "But," said Sineus, "when we have everything in our hands what shall we do in the end?" Then Pyrrhus laughing told him again, "We will then be quiet, and take our ease, and have feasts everyday, and be as merry with one another as we possibly can." Said Sineus, "What prevents us now from being as quiet, and merry together, since we enjoy that immediately without further travel and trouble which we would seek for abroad, wich such shedding of blood, and manifest danger? Can you not sit down and be merry now? So a man may think, if I had such a thing, then I would have another, and if I had that, then I should have more; and what if you had got all you desire? Then you would be content. Why? You may be content now without them.

I have thoroughly enjoyed this book, and I hope that you will be blessed by it as much as I have.

There you have it, my first big breakdown that is classically called the "move in depression." My emotions has been building up for several weeks and I couldn't really put a handle on my feelings until last night. We came home from the orientation and Ben had noticed that something wasn't quite right. He kept badgering me until I finally broke down into a pool of tears. What was bothering me was a list of emotions, fears, excitement, dissappointments, and insecurities, that had been building up in me for so long. That, plus the feeling of guilt and responsibility of finding a job, had made me on edge. I felt guilty that God had given me a small responsibilty in life and I couldn't handle it. When I compare my life with the life of some great people, I feel small and insignificant. Why would God bother with me when he had so many that glorifies his name? My life is disorderly, undiciplined, and selfish. I feel the sin bearing down on me, I see my unrepentent arrogant heart. I bow my face to God, confessing that nothing is good in me. He choose me from his mercy and grace. By my God's standard, I am doomed. I need to learn to find forgiveness and accept his grace. I too often measure myself and fall short. I need to look to the cross and not to myself. I need to take Paul's advice and forget what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, to press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Lately I have been in a constant state of distress, wondering what I should do about my job situation. I have not heard from the lady I am supposed to work for, and I am not sure I want to take the job anymore. There are other job openings in Louisville where I can work in the healthcare setting, and it's tempting to wait for those opportunities. For the past week, I have been agonizing over the decision. On one hand, we could really use the money from the nanny job, but that's not what I want to do. I'd feel awful if I do get the nanny job and I had to turn her down.

I have a really hard time letting God be in control and trusting him to provide for us. I don't know why I have such a hard time trusting in God. I have the reassurance of salvation, I have a wonderful husband and a loving family, I have what I needed for a warm and wonderful home, yet I am still unsatisfied with this state of my life. It is difficult for me to be at peace. My mind constantly wanders and I am unable to be satisfied. I pray for peace and God's forgiveness for my thoughts and my discontent.

LORD, let my heart be still.

I take back what I said a few days ago about the paint color. I really like it now. I will post some pictures for you guys later so you may see our new apartment.

Recently, I've been creating some simple meals that I really enjoy. Yesterday I spiced up some chicken thighs and grilled it. For today's dinner, we had brats and sour kraut with hot sauce. I lOVED IT!! I think I would still like to try new things from time to time, but not quite as often as I used to. For one thing, simple meals are less expensive and definately less time consuming. I find it quite nice to have spend less time in the kitchen and more time to do other things.

Ok, so I know all of you are dying to know what color my wall is. Ready?....ok...it's...Hunter GREEN! Actually, when I first picked the color, it looked really beautiful on paper. After I put it on my wall, however, I feel a little nauseated from looking at all the puke in front of me. I am still a little shocked from what I did this morning. So my first pick for a paint color failed. I knew this would happen. I begged Ben to help me paint the walls. I picked the color, and after it went on, I hated it. I don't know what I was thinking except that I wanted to be bold this time and be adventurous. Now I have to learn how to live with it for the next three years...huh..

Ben and I are finally settled in. We have a nice two and a half bedroom apartment, which is a lot more spacious than our first one. Ben tends to be a little possessive of his study. I have to ask when I want to use his desk for writing. Our apartment is nice but a little white, so tomorrow, I am going to paint the apartment. I am so excited to make this place our home for the next three years.

The move in process has been really good. We had the opportunity to explore the city and there is so much to do. Kentucky has many great restaurants, parks, and shopping. The weather will be really nice in a couple of months if you want to come and visit. We LOVE visitors. Ben and I are still in the process of looking for a church. So far, we really enjoyed the ones we've visited.

I think I've found a job. If I get hired, I will be a nanny for two kids on MWF. The pay is really good and it should take care of a large portion of our expenses. Praise God for taking care of our needs.

Ben and I are doing well overall. For the first few days, I was a little sad from missing home. After I learned how to get around, I felt less homesick. We met with our neighbors the other day and they answered many questions that we had.

So that was the moving process. I am sorry we can't update you individually but if you email us, we usually respond. We love you guys and will keep you updated.

New Year's Resolution:

1. to study the bible in-depth
2. to be content with where I am and to enjoy each day that God has made
3. to show love and kindness towards people while keeping my own convictions
4. to be fit and energized

I posted new pictures.

Go Tigers!!! Ben, Dave, Lindsay, Zadok, and I watched the second game in the series and we are so glad they won.

I like being able to share with Ben the love of sports. Baseball is something we love to watch together. I figured that Ben spends so much time watching baseball that I might as well join him. Hey, if I can't beat it, I should join it right? I actually have a good understanding of the game now. For women who can bear sports, this can be quality time with your husband. It really is a good bonding time. I love that Ben and I are finding more things we could enjoy together.

I've been trying to set up xanga several times and I couldn't get it to work so I've decided that blogger is still my favorite webblog despite the fact that everyone uses xanga.

I am not sure what this currently reading, currently listening stuff on xanga is but I've decided to create my own. I am currently reading Pilgrims progress by John Bunyun. I really enjoyed this book. The narrative of the book tells of a man named Christian who felt a heavy burden (sin) and needed to reach the celestrial city in hope of escaping destruction. Reading this book made me feel the urgency to become right with God and to look forward to the Kingdom of Heaven. I w0uld encourage everyone to read this book! Another book that really encouraged me to keep my faithfulness is called "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. After reading this book, I can't help but long for heaven.

So, I have some news. Ben has been officially accepted to Southern Baptist Seminary in Louiville, KY, and we are moving sometime in January. We had prayed about the decision for a long time and God has reassured us of his will. Over time, I have come to recognize this calling, although at first I was resistant to the thought of seminary. At first I struggled to understand why God would call us to such a holy calling. In my mind, I did not think we were worthy to uphold the word of God and display his holiness. I prayed for his guidance and understanding and he spoke to my heart. Since then, I have learned that God's sovereign plan does not depend on our goodness. He chooses us according to his Grace and not by works of our own. He said in John 15:16, "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit - fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name." I am comforted that God will prepare a way for us. Sometimes, it bothers me to trust that all our needs will be met, but clearly this verse reminds us that God, who appointed us for his work, will give us whatever we need. I am thrilled to be with Ben in a new place. I have been told that life at seminary would be the best time of our life.

Check out new pictures on picasa or click on wanna see pictures link on the right.

I threw a dinner party for Naomi before her wedding

 

The Dessert Table

I Love My Husband

 

This is Henry. I babysit him 

Ben did dishes with his socks like this. I love these little quirks about Ben. Happy Birthday Sweety! 

This is so hilarious. By the end of the day, this is what Ben's socks look like.  

My father in-law gave me live lobsters for my 25th birthday. How can I eat them after they been given a name Sam and Ben? 

I was really thankful for University Baptist Church today. I have grown to love this small church. There is really nothing especially exciting about it. The music team is great but humbly small, the majority of the congregation is old, and the programs are less than perfect. I love this church because the people are faithful and loving. I have witnessed the faithful service of people in our church who take time in organizing food for others, in clearing someone's backyard of trees and shrubs, in helping people move, and in giving money to a family in need of a funeral service. All these are acts of faith that I especially value in our little church. That is what I think community is all about.

I was thinking about this today, UBC is the place where I had many first experiences in my church life. I had my first experience visiting a church sister in the hospital who is in the process of death, I will be making meals for a family in need, I babysit children of families in our church, I teach Junior church for young kids, and I am hosting our small group once a month in our home. These things have been amazing to experience. I know that God had a plan for this when Ben and I decided to choose a church. I can't really explain but there is something so amazing about learning how to serve in the community you are in. I've seen what a blessing having a church community is.

My brother and I 

My other family 

My husband and I  

My mom and I  

Graduation, May 2006 

My family at my graduation dinner 

If you want to see pictures, go to my webshot site.

our trip to philadelphia, May 9-14, 2006 

Wednesday, 8:30 am, officially done with my undergrad. Oh Happy Days...

I have now come to understand why it's so exciting when chicken is on sale for $3.00 a lb at meijer. Now that I have a home of my own, I've come to recognize the rediculous amount of money I spend on food. It doesn't help that I love to cook, because I am willing to spend money on things like herbs and spices. I think food would be a lot cheaper for us if I can stick to the boring routine of boiled potatoes and chicken...every night. Now if you have a husband like mine, you would be lucky because he simply does not care about food. In fact, I think he would prefer chicken and boiled potatoes....everynight. Since I've been married, I have come to learn the trade of grocery shopping. You see, chicken usually goes on sale every week at a certain time. That's because Meijer can't sale all their chicken breasts and they must sell it before a certain date. What you do then, is you stock up on chicken so it will last you for a few weeks. Then the you repeat the cycle. It is actually very exciting when you save big bucks for your home.

I really like these verses in James 4:13-17.

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this city or that city. Spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is you life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that. As it is, you boast and brags. All such boating is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

Do you have ambitious plans for your life? Are you securing your future by your well paid job? Do you boast about your sucess? Do you justify your life by saying that you can still love God and be sucessful? If you find yourself guilty for all those things above, then you should examine what this passage has to say. James said our life is a mist and it will appear for a little while and then vanishes. He said no one should boast about tomorrow for you do not know what will happen. For one thing, you can die and be empty before the throne of God. Anyone who live should live for Christ. Their life should be in Christ and their deeds should reflect that life. If anyone who knows that good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

I know I have been guilty of living a life for myself. I have thought of wanting a life that is about my desires and not about God's. An example of this would be my hunger to excel in school and my desire to prove my worth through success. When I was honest with myself, I finally learned that it's really obvious whether or not you love God. People can see it, the way you think reflects it. When you live a life for Christ, you can see growth around you and people are blessed by your presence. That is the fruit of a Christian. A life lived for yourself is meaningless, it bears no fruit and will all vanish on the day of Judgement. A life lived for God is eternity.

I really like this article. It is a good checklist for what Christian women ought to seek after. It is a good reminder for myself. I think God's design is so perfect. His perfect system is set up so that men will lead the family and women will take on the job of a caretaker, a nurturer, a helper. Men protect women, they go out and work and serve. Women nurture and care. Each devote a portion to their time to serving God and the people in his community. People who argue that this system suppresses women have not seen the Goodness of God's perfect design.

A Challenge to Women
That all of your life—in whatever calling—be devoted to the glory of God.
That the promises of Christ be trusted so fully that peace and joy and strength fill your soul to overflowing.
That this fullness of God overflow in daily acts of love so that people might see your good deeds and give glory to your Father in heaven.
That you be women of the Book, who love and study and obey the Bible in every area of its teaching. That meditation on Biblical truth be the source of hope and faith. And that you continue to grow in understanding through all the chapters of your life, never thinking that study and growth are only for others.
That you be women of prayer, so that the Word of God would open to you; and the power of faith and holiness would descend upon you; and your spiritual influence would increase at home and at church and in the world.
That you be women who have a deep grasp of the sovereign grace of God undergirding all these spiritual processes, that you be deep thinkers about the doctrines of grace, and even deeper lovers and believers of these things.
That you be totally committed to ministry, whatever your specific role, that you not fritter your time away on soaps or ladies magazines or aimless hobbies, any more than men should fritter theirs away on excessive sports or aimless diddling in the garage. That you redeem the time for Christ and his Kingdom.
That, if you are single, you exploit your singleness to the full in devotion to Christ and not be paralyzed by the desire to be married.
That, if you are married, you creatively and intelligently and sincerely support the leadership of your husband as deeply as obedience to Christ will allow; that you encourage him in his God-appointed role as head; that you influence him spiritually primarily through your fearless tranquility and holiness and prayer.
That, if you have children, you accept responsibility with your husband (or alone if necessary) to raise up children who hope in the triumph of God, sharing with him the teaching and discipline of the children, and giving to the children that special nurturing touch and care that you are uniquely fitted to give.
That you not assume that secular employment is a greater challenge or a better use of your life than the countless opportunities of service and witness in the home the neighborhood, the community, the church, and the world. That you not only pose the question: Career vs. full time mom? But that you ask as seriously: Full time career vs. freedom for ministry? That you ask: Which would be greater for the Kingdom— to be in the employ of someone telling you what to do to make his business prosper, or to be God's free agent dreaming your own dream about how your time and your home and your creativity could make God's business prosper? And that in all this you make your choices not on the basis of secular trends or yuppie lifestyle expectations, but on the basis of what will strengthen the family and advance the cause of Christ.
That you step back and (with your husband, if you are married) plan the various forms of your life's ministry in chapters. Chapters are divided by various things—age, strength, singleness, marriage, employment choices, children at home, children in college, grandchildren, retirement, etc. No chapter has all the joys. Finite life is a series of tradeoffs. Finding God's will, and living for the glory of Christ to the full in every chapter is what makes it a success, not whether it reads like somebody else's chapter or whether it has in it what chapter five will have.
That you develop a wartime mentality and lifestyle; that you never forget that life is short, that billions of people hang in the balance of heaven and hell every day, that the love of money is spiritual suicide, that the goals of upward mobility (nicer clothes, cars, houses, vacations, food, hobbies) are a poor and dangerous substitute for the goals of living for Christ with all your might, and maximizing your joy in ministry to people's needs.
That in all your relationships with men you seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit in applying the Biblical vision of manhood and womanhood; that you develop a style and demeanor that does justice to the unique role God has given to man to feel responsible for gracious leadership in relation to women—a leadership which involves elements of protection and care and initiative. That you think creatively and with cultural sensitivity (just as he must do) in shaping the style and setting the tone of your interaction with men.
That you see Biblical guidelines for what is appropriate and inappropriate for men and women in relation to each other not as arbitrary constraints on freedom but as wise and gracious prescriptions for how to discover the true freedom of God's ideal of complementarity. That you not measure your potential by the few roles withheld but by the countless roles offered. That you turn off the TV and Radio and think about...
The awesome significance of motherhood
Complementing a man's life as his wife
Ministries to the handicapped
hearing impaired
blind
lame
retarded
Ministries to the sick:
nursing
physician
hospice care—cancer, AIDS, etc.
community health
Ministries to the socially estranged:
emotionally impaired
recovering alcoholics
recovering drug users
escaping prostitutes
abused children, women
runaways, problem children
orphans
Prison ministries:
women's prisons!
families of prisoners
rehabilitation to society
Ministries to youth:
teaching
sponsoring
open houses and recreation
outings and trips
counseling
academic assistance
Sports ministries:
neighborhood teams
church teams
Therapeutic counseling:
independent
church based
institutional
Audio visual ministries:
composition
design
production
distribution
Writing ministries:
free lance
curriculum development
fiction
non-fiction
editing
institutional communications
journalistic skills for publications
Teaching ministries:
Sunday school: children, youth, students, women
grade school
high school
college
Music ministries:
composition
training
performance
voice
choir
instrumentalist
Evangelistic ministries:
personal witnessing
Inter Varsity
Campus Crusade
Navigators
Home Bible Studies
outreach to children
Visitation teams
Counseling at meetings
Billy Graham phone bank
Radio and TV ministries:
technical assistance
writing
announcing
producing
Theater and drama ministries:
acting
directing
writing
scheduling
Social ministries:
literacy
pro-life
pro-decency
housing
safety
beautification
Pastoral care assistance:
visitation
newcomer welcoming and assistance
hospitality
food and clothing and transportation
Prayer ministries:
praying!!!
mobilizing for major Concerts of Prayer
helping with small groups of prayer
coordinating prayer chains
promoting prayer days and weeks and vigils
Missions:
all of the above across cultures
Support ministries:
countless jobs that undergird major ministries

I been wanting to blog for the last few days. Everytime I thought of something interesting to write about, I lose the thought.

So I have two more weeks to go before I finish the most extensive educational process in my life. In three weeks, I will walk down the stage where I will be part of the 2%, in the world, that has a college degree. So how do I feel right now? Estatic and completely free.

I still have a hard time imagining what it's like to be ABSOLUTELY done with school. I can completely devote my time to ANYTHING I like. This is serious business. Also the advantages of being a woman and married is that I don't have to work if I don't want to. The only condition is that my husband is also supportive of this decision. Of course I would need to find ways to spend my time wisely. I am actually very excited to be able to devote myself in a particular ministry, although what it is, I do not know yet. I know that there is a way God can use me. He's made me with such deep emotions and passions and I doubt whether he will let that go unclaimed.

So I experienced a moment similar but not quite on the same scale as Jonah in the bible. I find myself resisting the very people that God put in my life to witness to. Before, I would hide and avoid people that are different from me, people who don't love God, and people whose values I do not share. This semester, I been really challenged to come face to face with classmates that are problems and needed salvation. God called us to be a light in the world, and salt of the earth. I knew that I can't be those things when I hide instead of be availble for God to use me.

I think the more I learn about the world, the more I become afraid of the many things that could happen to us. So today I had the thought of "what if Ben got into a car accident and become paralyzed." (Actually this thought comes to my mind very often) The scary thing about this senerio is that I can't take care of us if that should ever happen. I can't provide a consistent income for us and there is no way we can afford to hire people to take care of Ben while I work. I know this because I am a physical assistance for Jim. Without workers compensation or disability insurance, we would probably be on medicaid. Ben would have to live in a nursing home and he and I would be separated. I know if this happens, Ben would rather die than try to cope with the problem. Isn't that a horrible thought? So this leads to my next thought, there is not one thing we can control in this life, NOT ONE. What makes us so sure of tomorrow? hehe. Sorry about the random thought.

Ben and I have had the opportunity to invest in the lives of other people these several years. I can't tell you how rewarding it is. More and more, I see that God gave us the role of teacher and supportor in his ministry. God has specific jobs for everyone and I hope that people will not miss the opportunity to use their gifts to glorify God. No matter what your gifts are, you must learn to invest in God's kingdom by sharing your life with other people. If you are mature and full of wisdom, don't miss the opportunity to teach each other. I have seen many people miss the opportunity to build up the body of Christ by reserving themselves to their own world. As for myself, there had been people in God's church that I wanted to trust but felt isolated from. I hope I can be there for others so that they can grow and see God in me.

This life stuff is hard. Is there a manuel out there that tells you how to run your life because I am having the biggest headache from trying to figure out what's right. Ben and I have been arguing a lot lately about what comes next after I graduate. Should we go to seminary in the fall or the spring? When should we have kids? What about health insurance if we decide to have a kid but have no job? Should I go back to school for a degree that is more marketable? These are all tough questions that doesn't have a simple answer. When Ben and I argue about this stuff, neither of us has the right answer even though we think we know. We try to convince the other person that our value is much more important than the other. At the end of all that, we both feel the other is selfish and unyielding. How do you deal with that? Of course, my first reaction is that I have to submit to my husband because I am the wife. It is a biblical thing to do right? Sure it is....I muffled those words under my breaths knowing that my heart does not want to conform. I can't help but feel sense of loss for self. I feel very restricted and that I am under my husband's timing, not mine. The limitations, the compromising, the agonizing pain of deciding what's right is driving me up the wall. I need God provision...and I want it now. As you can see, there are still sins in my life that I have not learn to overcome. If you have some good suggestions, I would love to hear it. huhh....

It is spring break and I get to sleep in late, watch as much tv as I want, read, and try out some new recipes. I was also browsing around other people's xanga to see what is new in their life. So much has happened that made me feel completely out of touch with people. Congratuations to those that are getting married. I am so happy for you because marriage is such a wonderful blessing from God.

Ben and I have been wanting a baby so badly. Everytime we see videos with babies in it, we want to start a family right away. However, at this point in life, we feel that it would be best to wait a few years since Ben will start seminary soon. We have decided that we will see where God leads us in a year or two and then reevaluate our priorities. We have been doing pretty well so far and I think there isn't a rush to have kids. We really love spending time with each other these past 8 months.

I am so glad that Ben and an advid reader. I have never met anyone who loves books as much as him. On most days, the mailman comes with a book or two for Ben. I am ok with him spending money on books because I've been told that every pastor needs a good library. Whether or not Ben becomes a pastor, I am glad he invests himself in learning theology and studying doctrines. I believe that every good leader in the church needs to be solidly grounded in their study.

Another thing I am greatful for are all the Godly men in Ben's life. It has been such an experience watching him grow in leadership with others who can converse with him on topics of the church. Although I listen to Ben when he discuss theogy with me, I am in no position to understand all the different spiritual issues. Ben's spiritual dicipline cames from the teachings of the church, his family, and his books.

I am so excited to go to Louisville, KY.

I am not sure whether or not I put this up before but I find this very facinating. I think the ENSJ personality type fits me so well.

Provider Guardians take it upon themselves to arrange for the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of established institutions such as schools, businesses, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Wherever they go, Providers take up the role of social contributor, happily giving their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, that traditions are supported and developed, and that social functions are a success.
Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is very fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of social events. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to approach others with ease and confidence, and seemingly aware of what everyone’s been doing. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, able to remember people’s names, usually after one introduction, and always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to insure that all are involved and provided for.
Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them rather self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Because of this Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and will work most effectively when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the service they give to others. This is not to say that Providers are afraid to express their own emotional reactions. They are quick to like and dislike—and don’t mind saying so—tending to put on a pedestal whatever or whoever they admire, and to come down hard on those people and issues they don’t care for.
In their choice of careers, Providers may lean toward sales and service occupations. They have such pleasant, outgoing personalities that they are far and away the best sales reps, not only regularly winning sales contests, but earning seniority in any sales group within an organization. Observing Providers at work in a sales transaction reveals clearly how this type personalizes the sale. They are visibly—and honestly—concerned with their customer’s welfare, and thus the customer is not simply buying the product, but is buying personally from the Provider. This same characteristic causes them to be good in many people-to-people jobs, as teachers, clergy, coaches, social workers, office receptionists, and so on. Providers seldom become a source of irritation in the workplace; on the contrary, they are unflagging in their devotion to their company, and show such personal loyalty to their immediate superiors that they make invaluable personal secretaries.

The hardest part about my life is my family. I worry about them all the time. My dad is out of the job for the third time this year. The reason is, he gets frustrated with his boss and he quits. I get sadden by the fact that his life is meaningless. There is nothing he cares about and nothing that is worthwhile in his life. Besides his family he has nothing that amounts to something. Even so, things are different now with Alan and I moving away. I pray for his salvation all the time. The urgency increases as each year goes by, I worry about his health, his friends, and his happiness. I worry about my mom who has to take the burden of carrying our family through tough times. She deserves so much more then this. It is just not fair. My life is good, my husband takes care of me, I want that for my mom too. She deserves so much more than what she's been given with. My heart breaks for them all the time.

I know it is God testing my faith. He wants to see that I trust that he knows best. Still I wonder why my family. I feel a lot of guilt about not being a good daughter. I have to move away someday and I will not be able to see them often. I wish there is something I can do to take care of my parents. I get really mad at myself for not being able to do that. I don't have to have much for myself but I just want my family to do well, is that too much to ask?

my favorite picture of Ben reading 

Our living room 

our little nook 

Puerto Vallerta 

Our little reading area 

My favorite bedroom 

Puerto Vallerta 

Relaxing at the beach 

Puerto Vallerta 

Puerto Vallerta 

Honeymoon at Puerto Vallerta 

she went with God this morning. Tuesday 22 December 2005 6:35am

My mother in law is dying of cancer. We may not see to have Christmas with her this year. A deep sadness reside in me and my family. At the same time, I cannot tell you what it means to have God's strength at this time. The illness is a test of our faithfulness to him. As we watch my mother in law get eaten away by her own body, God teaches us to surrender all to him. I never thought I could face up to death until now. God has been beside me, teaching me that this is all within his plans. Diseases and illnesses are the ugly things in life. God is trying to show us that he is even more important than these.

I still pray for a miracle even though all hope is basically gone. The question is not whether God can perform miracles, the question is, will he? When I pray this prayer I always think of Hezikiah when he prays to God for more life. I thought if God can answer his prayer, who knows, maybe he can answer mine.

No one is really in denial as to what is happening in the family. In fact, the way we deal with this is to address the past, present, and the future. My mother in law shared a testimony praying that God will show us how to live after she pass away. To me, that is wisdom. Her life has been a great testimony to mine and many others. She was a great many things in life. She was a loving mother who taught her children how to revere God. She was a teacher of wisdom and a healer to those that are lost. She was a crusader and a faithful servant to those who know her life story. She never held an occupation yet no one can say she is unimportant. Her mission in life is on greater and more important things, things she can bring with her to heaven.

November 2005. Ben and I went over to my in-laws today. Dad made a wonderful dinner tonight. We watched a family video that uncle rick has put together of the kids. Afterwards, the whole family put ornaments on the Christmas tree. Mom gave Ben and I our first Christmas tree and our first ornament together as a married couple. I love my new family. All my life, this is what I dreamed of my family to be. God has answered my prayers.

This is from Touchstone journal, a Journal of Mere Christianity, September issue 2005.
This is what it said about community.

As I read Anthony Esolen's mostly excellent "Where Went the Neighborhood?" (May 2005), I recalled a story by John Cheever, "The Enormoous Radio," in which a well-to-do woman's new radio maysteriously begins to broadcast conversations from her neighbors' apartments. She is saddened and angered by the daily recital of woe that she hears, yet she takes no action on her neighbors' behalf. Like that woman, we Americans, adrift and isolated, have a love-hate relationship with community.

We long to "know" our neighbors, but we do not want to pay too high of a price for the privilege. We mourn the disappearance of the community of extended family, but many of us, inclding my husband and myself have been willing to tear ourselves from the place of our roots for the sake of economic gain. It is hard to miss the irony as Mr. Esolen bemoans his poor Canadian neighbors' desire to leave their village in search of higher wages, even as he is blessed with the happy circumstance of being financially able to manage a second home where he spends idyllic summers in an old-fashioned neighborhood.

I am fortunate to live year-round in an "interntional community," among neighbors who live around our Orthodox Christian church. Like West Arichat, we are in a lovely, semi-rural area, and visitors are frequent. They love our hospitality, the sigh of children playing and neighbors picnicking together on the community lawn, the bells calling us from our homes to services. All of it is delightful and we are blessed.

But real community is conderably messier than these pictures suggest. In a real community, people do not necessarily "like" everyone else. At various times, some neighbors are strong and giving, others are weak and needy. The demands of caring for the needy ones can grow tiresome, even leading to resentment and avoidance. My neighbors and I live relatively modestly and we live in the shadow of our church (two criteria mentioned by Mr. Esolen as necessary for friendliness and stability, yet we still get divorced, struggled with depression, disappoint each other regularly, and have our hearts broken by children who reject our faith in favor or more alluring delights such as drugs and nihilistic philosophies.

But in a real communiyt, it is harder to hide these things from each other, and the constant asking and granting of forgiveness is required. It is in a real community that one can learn (often painfully) to drop the mask and to reveal oneself honestly. My community is far from perfect, but, like West Arichat, it is different. It is a place where my neighbors and I can begin to learn what it means to "bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Mary Alice Cook
Eagle River, Alaska

I agree with this woman. So often, I dreams of living in a community where people care for one another and have perfect relationships. I dream of finding a perfect church to attend, when in fact, the perfect church cease to exist. I feel that the article stated very accurately when it said that people have love/hate relationships with their community. On one hand, they long to belong to a community, on the other hand they don't want anything more than superficiality.

This is from Touchstone journal, a Journal of Mere Christianity, September issue 2005.
This is what it said about community.

As I read Anthony Esolen's mostly excellent "Where Went the Neighborhood?" (May 2005), I recalled a story by John Cheever, "The Enormoous Radio," in which a well-to-do woman's new radio maysteriously begins to broadcast conversations from her neighbors' apartments. She is saddened and angered by the daily recital of woe that she hears, yet she takes no action on her neighbors' behalf. Like that woman, we Americans, adrift and isolated, have a love-hate relationship with community.

We long to "know" our neighbors, but we do not want to pay too high of a price for the privilege. We mourn the disappearance of the community of extended family, but many of us, inclding my husband and myself have been willing to tear ourselves from the place of our roots for the sake of economic gain. It is hard to miss the irony as Mr. Esolen bemoans his poor Canadian neighbors' desire to leave their village in search of higher wages, even as he is blessed with the happy circumstance of being financially able to manage a second home where he spends idyllic summers in an old-fashioned neighborhood.

I am fortunate to live year-round in an "interntional community," among neighbors who live around our Orthodox Christian church. Like West Arichat, we are in a lovely, semi-rural area, and visitors are frequent. They love our hospitality, the sigh of children playing and neighbors picnicking together on the community lawn, the bells calling us from our homes to services. All of it is delightful and we are blessed.

But real community is conderably messier than these pictures suggest. In a real community, people do not necessarily "like" everyone else. At various times, some neighbors are strong and giving, others are weak and needy. The demands of caring for the needy ones can grow tiresome, even leading to resentment and avoidance. My neighbors and I live relatively modestly and we live in the shadow of our church (two criteria mentioned by Mr. Esolen as necessary for friendliness and stability, yet we still get divorced, struggled with depression, disappoint each other regularly, and have our hearts broken by children who reject our faith in favor or more alluring delights such as drugs and nihilistic philosophies.

But in a real communiyt, it is harder to hide these things from each other, and the constant asking and granting of forgiveness is required. It is in a real community that one can learn (often painfully) to drop the mask and to reveal oneself honestly. My community is far from perfect, but, like West Arichat, it is different. It is a place where my neighbors and I can begin to learn what it means to "bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Mary Alice Cook
Eagle River, Alaska

I agree with this woman. So often, I dreams of living in a community where people care for one another and have perfect relationships. I dream of finding a perfect church to attend, when in fact, the perfect church cease to exist. I feel that the article stated very accurately when it said that people have love/hate relationships with their community. On one hand, they long to belong to a community, on the other hand they don't want anything more than superficiality.

Ben was surfing through people's webblogs tonight and I realized how sad mine is. Not many people know that my blog even exists. As I peeked at people's blogs, I felt so embarrassed that my blog is so plain and so outdated. No wonder no one really read it. Haha. Most of the time, when I write on my blog, it is usually serious and drab. There usually isn't any cool pictures or visuals in it. Of course I don't blog offend enough. I blog um...maybe once every month or so. I just don't know how people can check these things often. I don't even check the news as often as some people read bloggers. I have to give these people two thumbs up for sitting there reading all these blogs and trying to know what's going on in other people's lives.

You know, most people think that I am a really social person. I am a people person when I am in a group setting but individual relationships are hard for me. I don't know why but with some people, I don't get comfortable hanging out. Ben on the other hand is more of a one on one relationship builder. He is so good at establishing individual relationships with people. Me on the other hand, I am really good at socializing but I don't like individual activities very much. Come to think of it, I am not sure if I am more introverted or extroverted. If I have to guess I would say that I have both characteristics but I would lean a little more to the introverted side. I like my time where I can do things by myself. I like to cook, shop, clean, read, and organize by myself. I don't mind that other people are with me, except when they rush me or not let me accomplish my tasks. The weird thing about me, that I have taken from my dad, is that I tend to accomplish my tasks right away. For example, we moved into our new apartment a while ago and I had a blast organizing the whole thing. Of course if you ask Ben, he would tell you that I get a little obsessive about it. What I appreciate about Ben is that he lets me do what I want and not restraint me from it. It's been really fun for the last month or so.

Ben and I have so much fun at our new home. I have been practicing my cooking a lot and is very proud of my new found skills. For the last month, Ben and I have been lounging around the house watching tv, cooking, reading, and just doing everything we wanted to do. It is soooo nice. I get to enjoy this for another week or two before the crazy school year starts again. Pray for Ben because he has an interview coming up and may God help us find a job.

This sounds crazy but I am so excited for school. I got my textbooks the other day and I started to feel very anxious for it to happen. This will be my sixth year in school and my last year. I can't wait till the day I walk at my graduation! It will be a great relief in my life. huh...

Puerto Vallerta was fun. The sky was cloudy on most days we were there but it nice anyways because Ben burns easily and I have sun allergy. Opps. I guess I forgot to tell Ben that I get really rashy and itchy when I stay out in the sun too long. The resort we went to was nice. It has 3 pools, 5 restaurants, a nice private sandy beach, and nice sunset. We both had a great time. We stayed in at the hotel when the sun was too hot in the morning. That was fun because we both like making fun of ridiculous people on tv. When the sun went down later in the evening, we would go outside and swim and read on the hammick. My favorite part of the whole trip was the food. My favorite was the seafood restaurant where I had lobster and scallops. ummm.. The trip was fun but I think Ben and I are done with sunny, beachy, vacations for a while.

Coming back home was really nice. I think both Ben and I feel very comfortable in our new apartment. I love that I can organize it the way I want to make it feel like a home. This is the funniest part of getting married. Another fun thing about being married is that I get to cook for Ben everyday. I love that Ben appreciates my cooking and we can enjoy good food without going out. Ben and I are so happy being married. It is amazing that we fight a lot less and are a lot more relaxed with each other being around. Most of the time, Ben will be reading or doing work on the computer while I am cooking or doing stuff for our home. Since we have our new apartment now, it's nice to have people over and hang out. I think both Ben and I like to invite our friends over and show them hospitality. Instead of retreating into our married life mode, Ben and I are even more interested in hanging out with people or having them come over. It's been a lot of fun for us.

I would like to personally thank everyone for being so kind to us throughout the years. I am working on my thank you cards but it is being done very slowly. I will update you if something interesting comes up in our life. Please pray that Ben will find a job for the coming year. Pray also that Ben and I will not be tempted to lose faith and hope in our God that has been generous in giving us abundant blessings.

P.S from talking to family members, they have beeen amazed by how deep our relationships are with our friends.

Sam

Yay, I finally know how to put up my pictures on blogger so I can share some pictures with you. I just got married Saturday, can you believe it? I am now Mrs. Samantha Bartlett. The whole wedding experience was great, but very crazy. In the end, everything turned out for the best. On that day, we experienced so much of God's grace. I was really amazed by how well God's timing is. The morning of the wedding, it rained a lot, but as we get to the reception, the sun came out. Since we were having our wedding in a tent, it would've been too hot if it didn't rain but the Lord was gracious to us by giving us weather that was not too hot or damp. The second amazing thing about our wedding is that, I felt so loved by God. I told Ben that the worst part of our wedding was definately the best. Up till the day of the rehearsal, I had thought everything was planed out extremely well. It wasn't until the day of the rehearsal that I started rushing to get things done. I had no music at my wedding, although I did planned it. I had the wrong cake, my programs weren't done, my flowers got done late, and we rushed for everything. Although so many things end up not being as I planned, God has shown me an incredible amount of love by my friends and my family. My brother ran around all day trying to get stuff done for me. He even stayed up all night to get my wedding programs done. My girls were my emotional supporters by being there to calm me down. Jared and the groomsmen organized everything and had shown me incredible kindness. Dave and Lindsay were our photographers the whole night since we didn't hire one. Joyce and Lindsay delivered the flowers for us and Ra and Christy keep things running. Aaron was our music person, and grandma did all the flowers, and Amanda made our slide show. I don't think we could've been more loved.

The bachlorette party was awesome. We had the party at Alan's new house and we had a crazy time. They made a scapbook for me with some of their favorite memories. Then they went around and shared some nice things about me and then gave out words of wisdom. We also played tons of games and talked alot. The next day, we ate at an Italian restaurant, went to get our nails done, and then hung out at the tea house. It was so cool. We had a game where they made me eat 24 sticks of gum for not giving the right answers about Ben. The girls did skits, made Lingerie, and gave me presents. It was so much fun.

I don't remember anything about the ceremony because I was so focused on Ben. I didn't get to see who sat where or what the sanctuary looked like. I just kept walking straight, keeping my eyes on Ben the whole time. Everyone loved the song that JOyce and Lindsay sang. They sang so beautfully. The music was really wonderful. Mrs. Lee played the piano and Nick played the violin. They complemented each other very well.

The sun came out just as we got to the reception. The tent with beautifully decorated with flowers and light. My favorite part of the tent was that it opened up so that it had a gorgeous view of the green golf course. Ben and I walked in casually and then greeted the guests. People were walking around, talking to each, and sociallizing. It was just as I had wanted. For the next part of the reception, dinner got started and Jared opened up the floor for sharing. We played a game in which people must share something in order to get an exchange for one kiss. The requirements were, they either had to share a favorite memory, answer a question about us, or give words of wisdom. It was pretty fun since many people shared that night. Next, we gave tea for our parents and some older friends. Ben's parents and grandparents also partook tea. Ben got gold and I got some jewelery. After tea, we had speeches by Alan, Rachelle and Jared. The slide show followed afterward and then the first dance. The slide show and the speeches were my favorite part of the night. I got really teary during those parts. The night ended with some dancing, some socialing, and then goodbyes.

After the wedding, Ben surprised me by taking me to a four star hotel. It's called the Royal Park Hotel. Our room had marble floors in the bathroom, a king size bed with fluffy white comforter and pillows and a huge balcony that overlooks the river. I have never been so spoiled in my whole life. Ben's dad paid for the whole thing including all our meals. The restaurant was incredible. We started out with an appetitizer of duck fois gras, then Ben ordered Lamb chops and I ordered Duck Duet. We ended dinner with a flamming banana dessert. It was an amazing meal. Huh....

Now we are back at our apartment and I can't wait to go to Mexico for our honeymoon. We are going to Puerto Vallerta. Yay... So that's it in a nut shell. Talk to you guys soon. love you all.

Samaantha

Hello there... 

My favorite picture of Ben  

Ben and I entering into the tent 

Ben and I are getting married in less than 6 days. It's been so much fun trying to put this stuff together and I am glad I got to do most of what I wanted. I was very careful with the way we spend our money, but at the same time, I am pretty pleased with it. The reason why we didn't have to spend so much money on the wedding is because we have great and talented friends who can help us out. Their will, their efforts, and their hearts really showed us that we are loved.I was saying to Ben the other day just how lucky we are. We were lucky because we have a bunch of close friends that really loves us and are willing to go great lengths for us. Sure, we don't have a lot of people that are waiting in line to be us or to be liked by us but Ben and I knew that we have more than a handful of people who will be there for us no matter what.

One thought leads to another. This gets me thinking...
Ben and I were analyzing one day, as we always do, what kind of people we are and how others feel about us and react to us. One thing we agreed on is that we will never be the prince and princesses among all our friends. We have also decided that we will never be looked up to as the people who got it all together or people who makes others envy. It was interesting to see that God has a different role for us with a different purpose. Ben and I serve as leaders and teachers. We are the encouragers, and we are the forefront in the battle that lead great wars. Thinking about this makes me so excited for to serve God by being who he made us to be.

Prayers
Pray for Ben and I that our wedding day will be special. Pray for Ben to find a job. Pray for us to have enough money to go on a sweet honeymoon. Love you all. Sam

Ben and I are going through marriage counseling with Pastor Chris and Pryscilla. He suggested that we both read the book called, "So You Are Getting Married," as a discussion point for some of the key issues in relationships. One chapter that we stumbled upon talked about events in our lives that may cause relational issues in marriage. The topics are Loss of a job, Birth of a Child, and Moving to a New Community, all of which we are struggling with right now. Actually, we are not having a baby but we are discussing when we would like to start a family. What is hard is deciding on a plan for the both of us in the next few years. A big problem with that is deciding on who is going to sacrifice what and how we can come up with a decision that will make us both happy. Right now, I am really annoyed at myself for having school to finish still and then one year of internship. Ben wants to go to seminary and we want to start a family one or two years after marriage. Somethings has got to give and I have no clue as to what.

Ben said the other day that everyone deserve a fair chance to learn and be taught. It would not be fair to the other person if no one bothers to correct them or advise them about their mistakes. If this is true, I think that not only would it be wrong to let people continue with their mistakes, I think it is also unloving. Ben and I also discussed the idea of what is loving. I presented the situation to him that even though a mom loves her children to the best of her ability, she might not always recognize what is good for her child. An example would be, a mother might love her kid to death and still not understand that discipline is a way to best love her child. In this case, it is not correct to say that love isn't present just because there is a lack of understanding. Ben answered saying that it wasn't a question of whether a mother loves her child but more about whether she has the best interest for the kid. If she knows that something is better for her kid and not do it, then she fail to love the kid as best as she could. I agree.

Wedding plans are coming along very slowly. With the combination of my creativity, my fear of making decisions, and the endless choices that I could make, the result is that I haven't gotten anything done about the reception. Oh, also the fact that I am "thrifty" plays a factor in my ability to make decisions. Ben, the guy I am about to marry, the light and shining armor in my life, is probably driven nuts by my constant obsession with marriage planning. We couldn't be more different in our personality, with him avoiding little details as much as possible and me losing sleep over it. With a small budget in mind, I am trying to plan an outdoor wedding at a park. I am imagining having the wedding on a beautiful summer's day at the park overlooking the lake. My hope is that people will be laughing and chattering away with friends and family under the huge white tent with music playing softly in the background. I know these are all ideals and there is a possibility of it not happening, nevertheless, I want to strive to make it happen.

Ben and I watched Anne of Green Gables this weekend. Anne (spelled with an e) is one of the loveliest fictional characters I have ever encountered. After seeing the movie, I couldn't help but feel a sense of envy that I couldn't be more like her. As the story unfolds, one could see how Anne changes the lives of people around her. Oh, she is so lovely. She is everything I wish I could be. She takes on life with full courage and bravery, she is not afraid to take a challenge, and she stands up for what she believes to be true. Anne has real compassion and love for people. How I wish I could touch people around me the way she does. Anne is brave enough to take on people that are full of cynism. She does not shy away from people but she sees the kindred spirit in them. Oh what a lovely story!

After watching this movie, I felt a great sense of sadness in me. I feel sad that people in my life are moving away. People I had built my life around for the last four years are changing. I feel that if I were Anne, people would remember me. If I was a lovely person like Anne, I would be able to shape the lives of people around me. I wish I could shape the lives of people around me, I wish I could bring life and joy to everyone I meet. I wish I could make a significant impact on people, I wish I could be bold and not be afraid of reaching those that are the toughest to love.

From the time i was very young, I noticed that my family was different. It wasn't until I was older that I realized how special they were. I used to feel that our family was out of place. When we were little kids, for our birthdays, my mom would make us birthday cakes frosted with peanut butter with grapes. Up to my adolescent years, I'd wear clothes that my mom would make for me. At 12, I started working on the weekends washing dishes for a Chinese Restaurant. My father works 10 hours a day and see him one day a week. Till this day they still don't know that I had gotten in a fight was a black boy in elementary school. I knew we were different from other people.

Growing up was hard knowing how different my life was compared to other kids. When I went to school everyone had a packed lunch filled with sara lees, sandwiches, and cool sugared drinks. My parents would never attend Parent teacher conferences because they can't converse with the teachers. My parents never knew what went on at school because I never shared with them what I was going through. Throughout my high school years, I had wished that my parents came and watched me play tennis. I wanted them to be proud of me for making the honor roll every report card and for working hard. All those years, I wish I had someone to share my achievements with. Up to the end of my high school years, I'd kept all my acomplishments to myself. I never wished to have what I did not recieve out of free will, but at the same time, I resented the fact that my life was different.

12 years later... I choose my mom's homemade peanut butter cake with grapes. I had learn to value my father's hard work. Because I have had a job at such a young age I understand what it's like to work hard and earn my money. I appreciated my parents so much more for teaching me to love what is not always popular. everytime I look at my parent's tired face, I knew how much they love me.

I needed my mom this week. She gave me the strength to go through with my days. All I needed to hear was, "We are all there to back you up Ping," and I know I will do just fine.

My brother has been really encouraging to me. From the time I quit nursing till now, he's been very supportive. I am very proud of Alan most of all. He had overcome many many things....Things that people would never understand.

My dad showed me love by coming up to lansing with my mom and took care of my car for me.

I Love my family and I prefer peanut butter and grapes.

Sorry I haven't updated the good news on my blog until now. Yea, for those of you who don't know...I am engaged. I doubt that there are many of you who don't know this by now. The news of my engagement must have reached everyone in the country within 1-2 hours, except JW who just found out today even though it's been on his sprint phone for a week now.

Yes...I am engaged. How do I feel? Very thoughtful. I couldn't sleep tonight so I have decided to blog. My mind started wandering back to memory lane, the old ways of the past. I've thought about past relationships and how it has changed me as a person. I've thought about times when my heart was broken into pieces and the different pains I've experienced. I miss the Brody days, I miss the sweet innocence of myself and my friends, I miss the process of friendship building. For some reason tonight, I remember so cleary what the old days were like.

Sigmund said to me that other day, "so you are really really taken." I am afraid that I am sigmund. Tonight I feel engaged. That's a very appropriate word. Another word for it would be occupied, not available. Once I've said yes to the person, I am no longer just Samantha Quan. Marriage isn't about two people trying to get along. It is two people who are committed to become one. What scares me the most is that Ben and I couldn't be more opposite of each other. Today we live like individuals, people without responsibility for each other, in seven months it is us for the rest of our lives. Commitment isn't what I am afraid of. What scares me is that we have no idea how to start merging two very different lives together. Sometimes when I feel like we've made it, it is humbling to know that we haven't even begin. Some of my fears are, what if we lose sight of marriage as a constant commitment. What if one us become lazy in this marriage? What if one of us sees marriage as an end to itself? I see Ben's parents as a role model for our love and it scares me that we can't live up to them. When I start comparing our relationship with those that has endured the test of time, I realized how niave of us to think we know all the answers.

I've talked much about my thoughts on relationships but what it all comes down to is God's grace. HOnestly, none of us will last without his grace. When we commit our love to each other, we also commit to letting God shape our characters through marriage. And here the journey begins.

The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others, but here “service” means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life (the Provider’s concern), as guarding others against life’s pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security. There is a large proportion of Protectors in the population, perhaps as much as ten percent. And a good thing, because they are steadfast in their protecting, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can insure the safekeeping of those in their family, their circle of friends, or their place of business.
Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go about their task of caretaking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.
Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the Guardians, Protectorss have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs.
With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians, middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners. To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies—these are important actions to Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands, sheltered and protected.

The actor Jimmy Stewart and Mother Teresa are examples of Protector Guardian style.

So what do you think? Sounds like me?

here's an update on me. This semester has been a busy one with work two days a week, volunteer, Organic Chemistry, Microbiology, Community Nutrition, and Food Service. Girl's accountability is on Wednesday, CCF meetings Friday, and church on Sunday. During the week, I attend class, get help with chemistry, attend group meetings, and do nutritional projects.

On top of all the work, I had been dealing with a lot of relational issues. Since I am new to the program, it was hard for me to make friends with people that had been together for many years. It was hard for me not to find support from my peers in the program at first but I believe it is getting better with time.

Group project...I HATE my group project. The real issue is that I cannot work in an environment that is all about business and not about being personal. When people want to get down to business and expect perfection, I fold under pressure. I feel awful and insecure about what I do know. Why does it phase me that some people are mean, insensitive, critical, and rude?

Personal issues....stress for Sam means Ben is the target of my stress. I am sorry Ben. You've been so incredibly kind to me lately. Thanks. I love you.

Personal issues....I have been discouraged lately about who I am. I am not the person God wants me to be. These are humbling times.

Have you ever thought you've manifested into a worse version of yourself?  I think I have.  Lately I have been complacent in my walk with God, been having angry thoughts, and are not too happy about where I am at in life.  I find it embarrassing that I am experiencing an identity crisis at the age of 23.  lately I've had many doubts about my life and I don't exactly know what I want anymore.  To say more accurately, I don't know what God has planned for me.  What if the relationship I am in isn't what he intended?  What if he asked me to give up school?  I think these thoughts and feelings were brought on by the fact that I feel scared about all these changes in my life.  Do I trust that everything will be alright if he takes away my relationship, my most cheerished possessions?  Do I have enough strength to trust that he has a better plan for me?  Sometimes I get mad at myself that I have not made other solid friendships that can be my support network.  If God indeed has a different plan for me, I am definately loss at knowing what comes next in my life.  Have I been consumed in this relationship?  Have I completely loss myself and who I am?  I am really scared. 

Hello there old friend,

I love this old journal. Wow, look at all the thoughts I have poured out in the last few years. This journal is one of the most important treasure I own. It is a piece of who I am. I know I will lose my memory, one day, to Alzheimers but I will not completely be gone...I am too stubborn for that. I shall remain here for those who wonder what kind of person I was and the journey I took to get there.

It never cease to amaze me how human life evolves. Seasons keep chaning and people keep experience new things everyday. I feel sorry for those who have lost all hope. I feel sorry for those who remained a lump of nothing that slowly deteriorates back to nothing. For those people, it would not have mattered much if they live or die because even though they live in body form, their soul have died.

I have been thinking today. All the textbooks I've read, all the lectures I've sat through on human development, I feel growth taking place before my eyes. At this moment, I want to grab hold of life and tell it to "HEY SLOW DOWN!" I feel the world moving at a faster and faster pace, I see the changes happening. All is happening so fast around me. Entering college, making new friends, fighting with friends, crying in my dorm, becoming family, debates, lectures, frustrations, fear, endurance, loyalty, failures, late nights, inner searching, knowing God, building relationships, and falling in love....sometimes I think the current me is the final project. I am NOT the final project! I am a new me but not the final me.

People who are captive to the same fear they had years ago do not see hope. I was once those people. By God's grace, I found a way out. I guess after all this big senseless talk, I just want to make one whopping point....

Things will change, it's part of life. MOve on...let go, celebrate.
My taste have changed, my priorities have changed, and my person have changed. Expecting people to stay the same is moranic. Instead of expecting other things to evolve around us, we need to readjust our attitude around it. Sometimes, it's sad say, when things changes and our commonality is gone, it's just gone. My advice to you if you remotely follow what I am saying is, "let go." "let go of the past and embrace the next best thing." I am not talking about money. I am talking about the wonderful human experiences. Don't waste your time on searching for happiness. Don't waste your time on something you can see because it is not there.

Sam

Recently, I regretted having told a lie that has ruined my relationship with a friend for the long run. What really hurt the relationship was my unwillingness to admit my downfall. I tried to justify myself by twisting the truth and making it something that, to me, sounded nicer. I will never know how this hurts our relationship. Recently, I discovered that there are things I will not be able to change. No matter how sincerely sorry I am, I will never be able to guarentee the same kind of trust that was given to me in that relationship.

When it rains, it really does pour. Relationships are hard. I was talking to a friend today and I was surprised by his view of me. I was tempted to open my mouth and shout, "You really don't know me at all," but I decided it won't help. I walked away on friendly terms but deep inside, I feel hurt and misunderstood. I felt like I just walked away from a conversation with my brother. Although my brother is overly critical of me, part of me know that what he said was true. That just makes it the more painful.

I am learning to take responsibility in the relationships I do have. jealously and bitterness sometimes comes unexpectedly and leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The fault is not people's but mine. I have a duty to guard my heart from these things that are damaging to my relationship with God and other people. As a leader I feel unfit to represent God. His holiness and goodness I can only imagine.

I just switched out of Nursing. It was the thing to do. It was hard letting go of something that has been a part of me for so long. The hardest part was leaving my nursing friends. If you guys are reading this right now, I just want to say that you guys are great and I am going to miss you a lot. Why do I do it? Let's just say it was a step of faith. I wasn't good at it. I knew it for a long time but i kept doing it because I was scared. I kept doing it because I was afraid of the unknown. I was miserable. I feel good now. really good. It's like a big rock has been lifted off me. So...What do I do next? Family Child Services. Sounds good. I get to work with adolescences and immigrant families. This sounds interesting. It's weird thinking back to the day when I was an immigrant and how hard it was for me. Maybe now I can be of some use to other people.

School has always been a struggle for me. Not anymore. I think God really broke me down to completely trusting in him.

Can't wait for summer here at MSU. I might go to Alaska for missions. Hopefully.

I now live with Naomi's family. My typical day is bumming around on campus. I already finished a book!! call me. Love you all. bye

I have personally been blessed today by being at church. Little kids have a way of warming up my heart and making me a softer, more gentle person. I talked to a kid today. He was a bright and happy kid and was very pleasant to talk to. I learned that his father was not active in his life. From talking to him, I could tell he long to be with him. I feel that no kid should have to live without a father. Fathers have such a big impact on a boy's life. They should be involved in helping the kid grow into a good man of God. What really touched me was that God has blessed this kid with a mentor, someone who is older and a father figure to him. I am thinking, how amazing is this? I am glad I belong to a church where NO One is left behind and not looked after. It was the first time where I felt like I belong to a community of believers. I felt that I am part of the family and I have a duty to people around me. I was not just a kid, I was not just a member of the church but a part of the body. Angie is right, we all have a duty to take other's under our wing when our wing span has expanded. Lord Thanks for the day.

just been feeling a little crummy lately. Nursing school is really stressing and I am feeling really alone. Changes are hard for me and it definately takes me time to adjust.

I need some advice if you have any. For those of you who are good at being a team member, how do u fit in? I am feeling very isolated in Nursing school. Big groups of people scares me and I don't know how to be myself. Most of the time, I just become a wallflower.

How do you get people to listen to you? What do you do to be heard? How do you make people feel like you are part of the group? I know some of you are real good at this. I am not.

huhhh....sam

I'm home from California now. The purpose of the whlole trip was to visit my mom's family and evangelize to them. I went to accommodate my mom and was not exited to go. I rather spend my Christmas at home. On this trip, I learned something about myself and my mom. I learned that she was an extremely determined person and a lot more couragous than I in some ways. When we were with our family, she did most of the evangelizing. She brought many tapes of people's testimonies and got my family to watch it. I was surprised that my family was so willing to listen. Knowing them, it did not seem like them at all. My mom was also able to convince my aunt to go to church but unfortunately, we couldn't find a chinese church. Through this trip I got to see God's grace and his amazing work through my mom.

So Christmas was very plain because I spent it in California and my family did not celebrate Christmas. Over much anticipation Christmas is over. I don't know why i love Christmas so much because we never celebrate it. Last year Ben's grandparents invited me over to their home and I spent Christmas Eve with them. It was my first warm celebration of Christmas.

I am excited to get back to school. At the same time, I am trying to do as much of nothing as possible. Next semester I am going to start my clinicals and it is going to be a tough year. The only thing that pulls me through is knowing that with God, all things are possible. I am very excited to work with my first patient. I am very excited to learn. Right now I still can't see myself as a nurse. There are so much in the medical world that I don't know and I don't know what to expect. During break, I tried to prepare myself by reviewing test taking skills for nursing students and reading up on my physiology. Even so, I am nervious about what is to come. In the past, I been too neglectful of the little details in nursing school. Now, I am not taking any chances. The reason why I did bad in the past was because I didn't care enough. As a nursing student, I now learned that everything is about details. To be good in nursing we must take everything into consideration, we must think critically about every situation. I am very excited for this new challenge.

That's all for now.
blog more later
Sam

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

I gotta stop reading blogs. They make me feel horrible because I will never be as funny as JW, interesting as Sewa's, and high tech as Sigs and others who have pictures posted up. I guess I shouldn't feel TOO bad. If you made it here to my site, I know you prob don't care that much about being entertained or cool inspirational backgrounds. I know you truly care about me. :` ) See I told you! Even putting up the simely face required some work! Thanks true friends for visiting. You mean a lot to me. I love you all...all 2-3 of you hehe.

Check this out. Donated by JC, posted on JW's blog.

Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head from the desk and say " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

You know, people can really break or make your day. Today I went to lab at LCC and I saw a guy in the elevator. He was crippled so he was in a wheel chair. At the end of the elevator ride, he smiled at all of us and said, "have a good day." That was so wonderful. I am thinking, wow. I need attitude like that. Despite his disability, he didn't let it overtake him on the inside. Then I went to lab feeling really good. My bench partners and I have to innoculate microbes today. I felt so intimadated and scared to mess things up, especially in front of them. By the end of the lab, I felt horrible. They were not very friendly, or understanding. They frequently rush me in lab cause they know what they were doing. I could tell they didn't want to work with me and they think I don't know what I am doing. To make things worse, my lab instructor told me that I need to learn how to work together in a team. She said that it's important to real life. It made me feel HORRIBLE as a nursing major. It's things like that that makes me doubt myself. I am capable, I am smart, I am willing, but I am also scared. I freeze up thinking that I can't do it because of these qualities about myself. I am absentminded sometimes....what if I forget my patient's medicine at the needed time? What if I can't work with people? What if I mess up? huh.....questions to ponder.
Sam

I've beening struggling a lot with myself lately. I struggle with myself as a Christian because of the numerous time I failed to live up to God's standards. I feel how taxing it is to keep striving for the goal of holiness and Christ likeness. For the first time in my life as a Christian, I feel like I want to give up following God because I am just too lazy and too weak. Sometimes, I wonder what it's like not being a Christian. As Christians we have an understanding of what is right and wrong and no matter what we do we cannot hide. In the secular world people can claim ignorance or become desensitize to sin, but in the holy world every hint of our immorality is illuminated. As Christians, we were taught not only what not to do but not doing what we are suppose to is also sin. Our mind are constantly trying to justify itself over and over again to make sure we don't deviate from God's law. Loving people is hard. Loving ourselves despite the fact that we are imperfect is even harder. If God weren't real, I honestly wouldn't follow him. If there were no consequences to sin, I wouldn't strive for the goal to be holy. In a way, I didn't choose Christianity, God choose me.

I am frustrated with time. Sometimes i regret not using my time wisely. Sometimes I am frustrated that times goes by so slow.

Underneath it all, I will be ok.

It's not time for class yet and I don't feel like studying. You know what I did this weekend while everyone was away? I gave myself a perm. Yup. I did just that and now my hair is curly and fried. I wonder about myself sometimes. I don't exactly know what possessed me to act so spontaneous at times. This wasn't the first time I did something to my hair. Last time, I dyed it black, didn't like it so I had them bleach my hair until it falls out. Huhhhh....i don't know either. Don't ask. I think it has to do with the fact that I take after my dad. He is pretty restless like me too. He plays with things, experiment with it for a while then move on to other new projects. Maybe that's why he is so good at many many things. I call him the handy man. Of course I am not as good as him in many things. He can cook, fix cars, machines, garden, etc. Now that I think about it, I am more like him than my mom. I take after his stubborn trait. When I want to do something, I always find ways to do it, I am random and spontaneous, I throw temper tantrums. My mom on the other hand, she is gentle as a dove, patient, kind. I am nothing like her. Wish I was. The good things I do like about my dad is that he is generous, honest, and very faithful. Although he doesn't say it, I know he loves us very much. Although he always pretend not to care, I know exactly what he is feeling and thinking because I am pretty much like him.

Ben, I am your number one fan!! hehe. I am talking about football. His team was undefeated. Who knew?

So I been doing really well. I am definately becoming a serious nursing student. From time to time, I find myself gawking at people, trying to look for abnormalities. It's kinda fun. hehe

Some of you have asked me if I am ok. I am doing very well. I am sorry about making you guys worry. I think it's that stupid quiz i put up that made you wonder. Don't worry, I just thought it was hilarious. I am very happy that you guys cared about me though. Thank you. And remember, most of the time, I blog because I want to vent. But you are right, I should thank God for our blessings also.

Spiritually, i realized as I focus more on the intellectual aspect of Christianity, I connect with God less emotionally. It's hard not to focus on one thing more than the other. What used to sustain me in my relationship with God was my emotions. That taught me to be humble and to revere him so it definately has it's valuable lessons. As a more mature Christian, I realized that basic understanding of God will not satisfy my hunger anymore. In the bible it talks about spiritual growth. As a baby, we need milk. As an adult, we need solid food. Both are equally very important.

This year has been really peaceful for me. I feel like my life is finally being put together like a puzzle and I can kind of see the picture. God has taken away a lot of my fear and taught me to trust in him a lot more.

haven't blogged in a while. What's been going on with me? Nursing, girl's accountability, boyfriend ben and that's it. I miss my friends a lot lately. I missed the closeness that I use to have with them. Now things seemed like they change dramatically. It is weird. I've been struggling lately with understanding my influence on people's lives. How exactly do I influence people? It seems like I can't formed any kind of attachment with the girls. Am I not approachable? Am I hard to bear? These are some questions that hangs over my head.

You are Storm!

You are very strong and very protective of those
you love. You are in tune with nature and are
very concerned with justice and humanity.
Unfortunately, certain apprehensions and fears
are very hard for you to overcome, and can
often inhibit you when most need to be strong.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

I been reading Exodus. It is quite interesting to go over it again and find still find so much to learn. Here are some interesting things I found. Moses, was chosen by God before he was born for a specific purpose. Mose's mom gave him up to God and his life was spared. Not only that but she get to take care of him till he grew up because the princess choose her as the caretaker. That shows us that when we give things up to God, he will bless us in return. He showed this severeal times in the bible. The midwives refused to kill the Hebrew babies because they feared God, and God in return, blessed by them saving their lives as well as letting them have families of their own. It's interesting when God spoke to Moses about his job. He was not an extrodinary man. In fact, God ask him to do something he is not good at. "Moses said to the Lord, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue. "The Lord said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? NOw go, I will help you speak and will teach you what to say. "Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it. I can relate to his very well. How many times do we run away from things we don't want to do even though God commanded it? It must be hard for him to pull himself away from his comfortable life and put his life in danger by going back to a place where there are terrible memories. Besides that, i can imagine how hard it is for him because he don't have the confidence in himself. I know for myself, I tend to forget that it is the Lord who has providence over my life and not me. The problem with that is when I lose confidence in myself, I tend to believe that something will never happen because i can't do it. If I put faith in myself, yea...it might not happen because I might not have a certain ability, but if i put faith in God, I know things will happen if it is the Lord's plan. Some people believe in themselves too much to the point where they think everything they do well is from their own efforts and some people believe in themselves too little where they disreguard the Lord's power. Moses had faith in God. He believe in the Lord. Next, when Moses ask Pharoah to release the Isrealites, Pharoah refused and even increased their work loads. Imagine, how Moses feels? He did what he is suppose to and yet the circumstances got worst and the Isrealites hates him. Not only does Pharoah not do what he wants, his people don't even trust him!! If I were him, my hopes would be gone. It is so easy to be discourage especailly when you try to listen to God but seems to be making things worse. In times of these, we just have to remember that God's plans are perfect even though we might not see it. Alright. Me tired. night

I got to spend some time with my mom this weekend. The only time we ever talk is in the car so we got a chance to chat some. During the conversation, I realized how different she is from me and how little she knows about me. I was really frustrated with her cause we were not able to communicate at all. The difference goes beyond different personalities, it's the way we think and what we believe that causes us to not listen to one another. First off, she has no clue where I am spiritually. When she gives me advice, it usually goes something like this, "make sure you pray a lot and read your bible. Don't worry about the future and let God takes care of it. Sometimes, I wish I am like my mom where her faith is just simple and enough but there are times when I really need her to give me some advice that will tell me what I should do. I guess the biggest difference is that I care a lot about how relationships work while she has no clue how they really should work. The division in our relationship comes because I wanted something more....I wanted a RELATIONSHIP. I told her about my friends today and I mentioned Ben. I told her that I love the way he doesn't care about materialistic things. Then we got into a discussion about how most people in America are not like that and it's hard to find people that are not....and then I started to use examples like, for so and so's birthday they got blank, but for me and Alan, it's not like that. Then my mom started going on and on about being content and how I should not want things that other people have and that their situations are different etc. She said that if she could give me good things, of course she would. AAHHH....I wish she will just listen to me and the meaning behind what I saying instead of what the words sound like to her. What I was trying to say is that, I recognize that there is a difference in our lifestyles. I wanted so badly for her to know that there are times when I wish I could be a princess. I wish that I could be spoiled and be taken care of. I guess I just want to feel special. The bottom line is, I would never accept things from my parents if they have to break their backs working for it and for her to think I am asking them for more breaks my heart. So as usual, i got really emotional. I realized I resentmented never being loved the way I needed so desperately through encouragements, gifts, physical touch and words or affirmation. For many years, I struggle with my self worth because of this.

For many years, I was mad at my mom for her having low self esteem cause it affected me greatly. Because she was never big on believing in the self, she had a difficult time believing in me. I guess her idea of being humble means you deny yourself to the fullest and never accept any credit for something you do well. Everytime i failed, I blamed it on my mom for not being my support, for not diciplining me to become the best. For many years, I blamed my mom for thinking that I wasn't smart enough or that I wasn't good enough to finish school. While we were driving and talking about how she could not learn English because she was old and her conditions does not allow her to, something came over me that's telling me I was also using my family as a scapegoat for my fear of failures. Because of that, i had a lot of anger and resent towards them. Everytime I tried to explain to my mom how i feels, she closed herself off from listening. To her, she did the best. I also believe she did try to do her best but her defination of the best means giving me freedom to choose whatever I want to do and supporting me financially with what she could. I told her that i was never able to get support from her mentally, and spiritually and it was hard for me. I understand where she's coming from. For her, her mom was never there to support her either. Because of this, my mom was very independent. It's very hard pulling myself through all these years. I wish she was more someone I could look up to when I needed help. I think a lot of my depressions comes because I was still angry. I think it's about time i let go of all my angers and let the spirit free me. I am going to take responsiblity for myself and let God do the rest.

It's silly. Sometimes, I forget that when I serve God, it's about him and not me. Lately, I've been struggling with what I am doing to serve God. I feel really guilty about working and not evangelizing or caring for God's people. I needed so badly to be needed that I felt my life was wasting away cause i am not. Most of the time, I undermine how important my job is in the kingdom of God. Ever since I left core, I felt so useless and so unimportant to God's ministry. For the last two years I saw the need to spend time with people that are struggling to grow in their spiritual walk. Sometimes, this is a really tiring and unnoticable job where we seldom get encouragements and support. sometimes, it's spiritually tiring myself and I long for that spiritual nurishment from someone in return. Many times, I question whether or not I make a difference in God's kingdom. Aside from wrestling with myself and my emotions, I do know and believe that Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. He doesn't need us for anything. We are there to serve a purpose.

Ben taught me one thing very very important that's missing in my life. One day, as we were driving, I asked him how he was able to forgive people all the time and not count their flaws against them. He replied with this statement "I give people grace cause I need grace all the time." This statement hit me like a ton of bricks. It's very true. In the past, i was very good at forgiving people but i was never that good at giving people grace. I realized that I was very hard on people when I thought they took me for granted. I would be hurt and then it would end up in distrust. I think this causes me to become very emotional and unhappy at times cause I would be mad at someone for something they didn't mean to do. This happens more often with people I am close to. But Ben is right, I also need a lot of grace from people for doing something wrong or not doing something i am suppose to. Through out those times, I am glad they forgave me and so i must learn to give grace in return.

Like i said, this summer has been really really difficult for me. I had to deal with many challenges that I never delt with before. As my faith grows deeper, I realized more and more the weaknesses in me that screams for God to change. It is soo hard. God said that I won't tempt you beyond what you can handle but why do i feel so weak? Don't know.

oh one more thing, i took ben to TO. He wasn't impressed. What do you say girls? Should I keep him or not? hehe. and i like to thank sewa, kc, eric, and jc for the bartlett pear scent plug. Cute guys. cute. Oh ben, there is this old lady that comes in to my pharmacy all the time. Her name is Bernice Bartlett. ARe you related to her? Also two streets away from my house, there is a street called Benjamin street. I also drive past a Bartlett street all the time too. Man! can't get away from you.

so what does it mean to actually take up the cross and follow christ? Boy, how often I say that I will drop eveything and follow Jesus, but lately, I recognized that I won't even give up little things for him. How many of you have ever said to yourself, "if God calls for my obedience, I will follow him"? I think you and I are just another long chains of Peter. After reading the gospel I actually felt bad for the guy. There is no doubt in my mind that Peter loves Jesus. I can feel his remorse and his hatred of himself after his denial to Christ. Who can really blame him? Like I said, he is another guy who's spirit is willing but his flesh is too weak. When Jesus asked me if I love him, I said yes. Just like Peter, I was sure that I will never denied Christ but when times of trouble knocks on my door, there is a whole new different answer. I think underneath each one of us is a cowardliness that we definately did not inherite from the Christ. We hear about Abraham all the time but do we actually understand how hard it is to be a man or woman of obedience? What is the greatest characteristic do you think God values the most? It is obedience. Abraham was not a man of special intelligence; he was not particularly handsome or had great people skills, but through one characteric that most people of our day undermine, God has blessed him a nation. Wow, what a gift! So yea, Lately I been feeling really dissappointed with myself. I feel like a Peter who denied Christ when people ask him if he knew Jesus. Sure I love God, but when tough times came, I choose the easy way out. Huh...yup. I am doing everything i can to pull myself back up. I am studying the words, praying to God for strength, and committing myself (again) to living a life worthy of Jesus's death.

Ok, that was my spiritual life, now about my new job. I can't tell you how BLESSED I've been to be working this summer...actually two jobs. I waitress at a Chinese restaurant on the weekends at night and CVS Pharmacy as a pharmacist tech on the weekends in the morning and weekdays. Overall, i am really excited to learn. I think so far, I've mastered the whole waitressing thing. From time to time, I get really bad customers that takes advantage of your service and gives you a dollar for tips but overall, I been getting pretty decent customers. It is a hard job cause you run around constantly and you need to put up with nasty people sometimes but i figured I need to get used to it for nursing anyways. : ) Let me tell you, waitressing was definately a confidence builder. I can't tell you how much i used to hate waitressing cause I was patronized by customers when I was younger. It felt really good to overcome my fear. As for the pharmacy job, the first day was terrible. They put me in the Pharmacy with ANY training and there were quite an alarming amounts of people on that day too. I didn't understand the law and I broke so many of the rules...opps. It's really not my fault cause they didn't train me. But I am really excited about this job. I love learning and it will definately help me in the nursing program. Who knows, if nursing doesn't work out, I also have something to fall back on.

This summer, I thought through somethings. I've decided no matter what happens to me in the future, I am free. I am no longer confined by rules and regulations of life. Honestly, for the first time in my life, I recognized that there are so many different ways I can go, so many routes I can take. After the whole nursing situation, I felt so confined to stay at MSU for the next three years without knowing really what's going to happen. That gave me a lot of anxiety. I felt so extremely sad that my friends are at this new stage of life and I am still stuck in the same position. It seemed like I haven't moved at all. My life was stagnant and they made me kinda depressed. Through that experience, I realized that there are solutions to everything. MOst of the time, we tend to be very narrow-minded about in our life and our thoughts. We don't like unexpected changes cause it scares us and we feel like it is the end when things don't go our way but when we open ourselves up for options and leave God to work, we free our mind and allow peace to come into our lives. Thank you Lord. I am excited for what's next to come.

Being home is a drag. I should've done something cool with my summer like...backpacking around Europe. It really wasn't as cool as I thought it would be. There is really not much to do. It's starting to pick up though...volleyball on Tuesdays, girls accountability on Thursdays, and work on the weekends... I'm going to be busy. Also trying to find some volunteering to do...you know, to get off my lazy bum and do something productive for a change. Have you any idea how hard it is to force myself to start reading? Getting started is the worst, but once you get going...piece of cake right? I am also trying to get more involved with my church. I am learning to use my "spiritual gift" to serve God. Well see how that goes. I think i should just enjoy this summer, chilling, relaxing before the crazy semester gets going again. Also, it would be nice just to hang out with ma buds. Ok, I need you guys to help me decide on what to do in terms of classes. Should I 1. take IAH this summer and get it over with so that I will have 2 credits next semester of nursing and maintain a job or 2) take Chinese, IAH, and 2 nursing classes? Number one option has it's advantages and disadvantages. First of all, I get to work and concentrate on nursing classes alone. The only thing is, i won't get financial aid. Number two option, I won't have a SWEET (like no classes except on Tues kinda sweet) schedule. I will also have a 8:00. The good thing about it is, financial aid will help a lot and I get to take CHS which will boost my GPA and I get to learn more CHS. Ok, i do need your help so vote now. So yea, as I was saying, being home is driving me crazy. I just don't know what to do with so much time on my hand. I think my family appreciate it though cause they get home cook meals almost everyday and I actually cleaned the house. I think what we actually need is a new crib. It's getting overcrowded around here. I need more closet space soo badly. NO I HAVEN'T BEEN SHOPPING!! That is another thing, being poor doesn't help at all. Guess what I am doing this summer again? Waitressing. Could never get away from it. It's in my blood. You know, maybe I could open my own restaurant someday. That would be super cool. Another thing I could do is travel. Did you know that a traveling nurse makes aound 30something dollars an hour? They also get to live in nice, paid for hotels, and fly all over. Oh...what a dream. Would'nt it be nice. What a dream. Later gator.

So for the last two weeks, my emotions has finally caught up to me. Now that school's over, I have lots of time to think and feel all the emotions that were in me ever since the beginning of the semester. I haven't experienced this severe of an emotional attack for a while now. Usually, i am able to snap out of it and get back in track with God, but this time, I just couldn't. I couldn't get myself to read the bible and sometimes, I don't even want to talk to God. I feel like everything about me is very ugly. When I look at pictures of myself, I feel disgusted cause I feel fat. The way my body curves makes me feel awkward and unappealing. I didn't like the way I smile, the way my eyes squinted. The most severe attack came when I feel ugly on the inside. Every time I criticized someone, I felt even worst as a person. I felt guilty when I was disagreeable and it made me feel worst to vent out my frustrations...that was the most frustrating part of all. Underneath it all, God did teach me a valuable lesson. He taught me that I cannot buy his grace. He taught me that I am an ugly person on the inside and his love for me was not because I earned it.

In my own life, I can relate to the first son in the parable of the prodical son. Both me and the first son struggle with jealousy, with wanting to earn our father's love, with the feeling of unfairness. Both of us has a distorted view of how much our father loves us. I often compare myself to clay while the others are made out of porcelin. They are much more refined, much more cultured and much more precious than me. I am angry at why I was not made a certain way. I am angry at why I wasn't loved a certain way. I question people when they say they love me. Those thoughts, those comparisons weakened me in my walk with God. Those impure thoughts weighed heavily in my heart and I struggled to get rid of it. Those worldly views has no place in my heart where God lives. I must choose, either God or the world.

haha...i think Ben is trying to become my number one blog reading fan. hehe. thanks for you comments!!!

The funny thing about choices is that if you could always choose what you wanted to begin with, you might miss out on some of the best things in life. Like a child, we think we know what is best; we resent the authority of our parents without realizing that, by restricting us, they are giving us more choices in the future when we are capable of knowing what we truly want. How do you know what choices to make when you have not seen all the options out there? If God gave us the command to choose whatever our heart desires, we may never realize better things that are waiting for us. In a way, God's rules and restrictions, in turn, liberates us from a limited life and gives us something more to look forward to. When we see our restrictions on earth, we think we know what is the best, but in fact, the best is yet to come.

I just figured out the secret to a happy life. For everytime you feel sad, say to yourself, "it's not personal, it's just business" and it should make you feel a whole lot better. Let me give you some sceneros here. Let's say....a person is rude to you for no apparent reason. You say, "it's not personal, it's just her business" right? Um...another one, if you get get ignored by a certain someone, again, "it's not personal, that person has a lot of unfinish business." Oh oh...here's another one, if you find yourself stressing over conflicts or problems of other people, just say to yourself, "this is none of my business and I am going to stay the heck out of the way." See how simple life is? hehe.

My LORD, my Jesus,

With these lips I've spoken lies,
With these thoughts I've ran and hide.

Without eyes I could not see,
With your breath you've made me be.

With my soul I long to feel,
With my hands I long to heal.

With my heart I yield to thee,
With the truth you set me free.

Love Sam

So I really want to talk about my relationship with Ben tonight. Sorry Ben, I hope you don't mind me telling our little story. I know I am treading on dangerous grounds but oh well...what do I have to hide? It's been almost 4 months for us now, although it felt longer than that because the process began with a friendship 2.5 years ago. Ever since the ski trip, Ben has always been one of those people that I liked and respected but never gotten a chance to know. To be honest, I was not too aware of who Ben was as much as his awareness of me (in a platonic way of course) My most vivid memory of him was when we played tennis together. I told him not to go easy on me because, being a tennis player myself, I could definately tell he was not trying hard. All I really knew of Ben was that he loves ultimate frisbee, and ice cream, and he always walk girls home at night. I also knew he is very protective of his sister and don't like to study too much. For a while, our friendship kinda drifted as we each got to know other people more. During the semester of my junior year, I came back to start nursing school. I was really excited because I got in despite all my anxiety and fear. I was so glad to get in that I forgot how hard professional school would be. Nursing was extremely stressful and I had no faith in myself and God. In the end, I lost so much confidence that my heart was not there. Needless to say, I failed and have to start over again. This blow was too much for me to bear. At the same time, I became pretty depressed after many problems in the friendship department. For some reason, this was the time God sent Ben to me. From the time I was very broken till now, Ben was always there to pray for me, to listen to me, and to encourage me to grow in faith. Our friendship really deepened during the semester as we spent numerous nights talking about relationships and spirituality. He helped me to learn more about God's character and encouraged me to search deeper into his words. To this day, I am still amaze at the way God opened up our eyes for each other...things we never knew was there before. For example, me and Ben have a tremendous love for learning, books, discussions, and spiritual growth. As we talked about our goals and dreams, I realized that his is very similar to mine. After some time of prayers and waiting, we decided to start a courting relationship. Ben and I have numerious talks from politics, nursing, spirituality, and our future. At first, I was anxious because I was too scared to move on to deeper, more serious things and I got scared. I didn't know if there was such a thing as getting to know each other too fast. I got scared because I thought there was a time table I have to follow in order to meet the criteria for a healthy relationship. God gave me the answer to my anxiety soon after. I went to Genesis on valentine's day weekend. Ben drove from D.C to surprise me on v-day. He came to the retreat as well. I took the sex and intimacy track and they talked about how to build a Godly relationship. It definately helped me to settle down my anxiety. The basic structure of a Godly relationship is like a pyramid. The bottom of the pyramid, which gives a relationship a firm foundation, consist of God. When a couple has a firm foundation, they can take the next step to see whether or not they are right for each other. This requires learning about each other from the most common things to sharing one another's life's dreams and goals. The couple should also build one another up in Christ. That means spiritually, the relationship should not make each other stumble but to help make the other person stronger in faith and bear fruit. The couple should do readings together, pray together, and set spiritual boundaries. So far, it has been a good journey. I am happy that I can rely on Ben to be a strong leader in this relationship. We complement each other well in areas that are weaknesses. I feel very good that I do know Ben very well and we do want to seek something more than a dating relationship. In all this, I just want to encourage those who are in a relationship now to not afraid to seek and find answers. Don't wait till the alter before you realize you don't know who you are going to marry. Oh one more thing, for those who wants to know, I don't feel like there is a cultural barrier in our relationship. To be a Christian is another culture of it's own. The most important thing is for Ben and I to be extremely compatable in this way. It's late, I am tired. If you like to talk, call me.

Dear Ms. Quan,
Her name was Jean and in the next 48 hours her life would change forever. I met 35 year old Jean in Lusaka, Zambia, a mother of three and in the late stages of AIDS. when well enough, Jean spends her time making paper mache articles to sell to raise moneyf or provisions to help other HIV postive people who are home bound, destitute and/or in need of medical care.

In order to be most effective in her work Jean decided that she needed to be public with HIV status---a decision that caused herto be rejected by her church, her family, and the other neighbors she once thought were friends.

Her husband had been unfaithful many times, even bringing lovers into her home. When she protested, he beather. He died some years ago, leaving her HIV postive, with three small children whose parents have died of AIDS.

she wanted to take us to some of the people that she frequently visits who were very ill with AIDS. We loaded up the car with vegatables for those we would visit. Jean usually walks, carrying what she can to help.

For two days we traveled together-our hearts being wrenched over and over as we visited those that Jean visits- one so ill from AIDS-related pneumonia taht she could barely speak. Her little seven-year-old son, her caregiver, stood quietly by, grief and terror in his eyes.

We visited a grandma with leprosy and HIV who had buried her daughter two days before and was left with her seven children--wondering as we did, what would become of them when she died.

It was hard to stop crying. The feelings of helplessness were overwhelming. Jean cried at each bedside.

We prayed with each one but I sensed from the first day that Jean was strugglign spiritually. Nancy Clark, our host missionary, Health Care Mission's Technical Director Carol Young, and I made Jean's spiritual condition a matter of prayer the first evening.

At the close of our second day together, we went to a place started by Jean and her HIV positive friends-a drop-in center for AIDS orphans- a very primitive mud and thatch place where the kids can come for food and basic education since none have money for school fees to attend school. There Jeand and her friends also give comfort and care to these precious children.

I don't know if I have ever been more moved by what I saw or more in awe of an individual that I was of Jean.

Before saying goodbye, I asked if I could have a few minutes alone with her. I said, "Jean, I have been praying in these last hours about whether I should say anyting to you, but i sinse, despite the beauty of those work you are doing, that you may be strugglign in your relationship with the Lord."

Her response was that she had been pondering just in the last few days before we came that she needed to forgive those who had hurt and rejected her and needed to make her relationship right with the Lord. Together we prayed a prayer of confession and forgiveness as she invited Jesus to be Lord of her life.

My heart is crying out to God as I write to you-what can I do? What can we do? What's going to happen to Jean's kids---and the seven children of the grandma?

I don't know if these words can in anyway convey to you what's in my heart. But I am determined that we will make a difference in the Jeans, in the grandmas, in the AIDS orphans.

Without Jesus, there really is no hope. With Jesus ther eis comfort, peac and strength. Please help us bring Jesus to the bedsides of those who are desperate, suffering alone.

Stories of these reminds me of God's grace. It is by his grace I am here every morning. It is by his grace I am healthy and alive. So many times have I taken for granted what I have. So many times have I been discontent with God's blessing. Everyone needs to hear stories like this to see the reality of the dying world that needs Jesus.

If you want to help. Dr. Jo Ann Butrin
Health Care Ministries
521 West Lynn Street. Springfield, MO 65802 Phone: (417) 866.6311

Many times we expect others to react exactly the way we do when they are faced with the same situation as us because we think we have all the answers. This is simply untrue. I think everyone is different and go about learning things in different ways. I also realized that patience is the key to growth. When you hurry the natural process of growth for some people, it could lead to some devestating results. I always feel that the best way for people to learn is to allow them to experience things for themselves while being supportive and reassuring at the same time. In doing so, you must use your judgement call as to what to "let go" and what to "hold on" to. Also, do we have patience in God's timing for cetain things to happen? On the other hand, are we teachable by God? We must become like Paul when teaching others God's law. The first thing I noticed in his letters to the churches is that he always starts out by giving thanks to God for those people. He praise God for the things they are strong in and prays to God for the things they are lacking. We as brothers and sisters must be gentle in our teachings, be encouraging, be loving, and be wise. Our intentions should not be to criticized because criticism is usually a way to say that you are not good enough...you have failed. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I do criticize, I do show disapproval with the lacking of love. It's a bad state of mind, it makes my heart discontent with God and with others. For me, it shows negative results in helping people grow. For those who are teachers, allow your students to learn, allow your students to struggle. For those people who are weak, don't allow people to put you down because of your faith. Do not lose heart in your walk with God because of your stronger brothers and sisters. Romans 14:1. Accept him whose faith is weak without passing judgement on disputable matters. Here they were talking about eating from the meat after worshiping the idols. From my bible commentary this is what it says about this verse. Paul responds to both weak brothers in love. Both are acting according to their conscience, but their honest scruples do not need to be made into rules for the church. Certainly some issues are central to the faith and are worth fighting for - but many are based on individual differences and should not be legislated. Our principle should be: in essentials, unity,; in nonessentials, liberty; in everything, love. Question? Challenges, call me.

Another one of those moments where my wound is open and bleeds again. In Rachelle's blog, she talks about God giving her grace. I wish I could experience right now the kind of grace God has given her. Weird how things are opposite for me. When I was in depression, God made me even more so until I broke. Time after time, he allowed people to wound me over and over again. Time after time, he allowed me to fail. Time after time, he expects me to forgive the most unforgivable things. I feel like God NEVER gives me breaks. He keeps pushing, keep expecting me to obey him consistantly. In a way, I have a hard time feeling God's love. He pushes and pushes for me to do well spiritually yet I feel like he doesn't care how hard this is for me. I plead to him that I am tired, I am weak, please make things easier for my Lord....please stop breaking me. I can relate to the first son in the parable of the Lost son. I am always seeking to know him more but it seems like he doesn't acknowledge me. He throws parties for people who don't care about him and he blesses them. I have such a hard time understanding why he make things so hard for me. I have such a hard time with why he doesn't protect me like he does to the others. I do feel dirty, I feel broken, and I feel unloved.

Thank you Mystery person # 10. Your comment this morning brought a smile to my face and it intrigued me quite a bit about what you said. I have a feeling that if I do know you, you would be one of my good friends and if I don't know you, we would become good friends. I don't really know if being naive and idealistic is a good thing...hehe. What would be your defintion of naive and idealistic be anyways? For the most part, I don't think I aspire to be that way. If anything at all, I want to know more and learn more. I don't think I could live being the same all the time. It's in my nature to push for growth in ALL areas of my life. That's why for some consistant, rational, organize people, I tend to frustrate them a lot because my thinking is disorganized and not concrete at times. I don't think this makes my character unstable or unreliable...just...what's the word?... erractic. Its also really weird how you described me as rare. This is the first time i have ever heard anyone describe people as that....um...it is very creative and it certainly very expressive. In the past, I've been described as many things. Among my favorite choice of words are neat, sharp, spunky, and now rare. Sorry, you can tell I like words a lot.

So yesterday, I went to church. Went to bible study and had a great class. I was so inspired by people to live for God. The best example i heard is this...we are here on earth to train for a marathon in heaven. I don't want to get to heaven and realize I wasn't in the best shape I could be. True...heaven will be a great place anyways but still there will be a second judgement according to what you have sown on earth. I don't want to look back and have nothing. I know...I know...my ambition should not be for my own glory but to honor God as best as we can on earth....yet God said "for we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. 2 corinthians 5:9. Having ambition isn't bad if you have the right motives and the right focused.

So much on my mind today... I was reading over my old journal entries and it was kinda cool what I wrote in these entries. I think people who read them will definately know me a lot better because I am such an open book. You know...a random thought popped into my head today. Some people do all they can to protect themselves by hiding things. What I noticed about myself is that if anyone wants to break me or hurt me, it wouldn't be hard for them at all. When i choose to share my life with you, I am inviting you to share in my happiness, in my sorrow, in love, and even criticism. I know some will say to me "ARE YOU STUPID? DONT LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU ARE VULNERABLE"!! Yea..i think i kinda am but you know what??? I have confidence that God is protecting me and that I don't have to worry about protecting myself. I have many friends and few enemies. And when there are times I do get hurt, God makes me stronger. Although some people call me passive and weak, I really don't mind that all too much. Look at Christ, from a distance you would think he is a weak man. He allowed people to mock him on the cross even though he had the power to blast them all by sending his Angels. He was a king yet he was considered lowly. He washed his diciple's feet. That man loves us so much. He shared his life with us in the new testiment and even put himself on earth to understand how to relate to us. He made himself vulnerable!! He didn't try to protect himself all the time. He didn't try to hide from anyone...not the tax collectors, not the children, not the pharisees, or adulterous women. Maybe we can learn to put ourselves in other's life so we can become more empathetic like Christ. I love you guys.

Sappy

You know what makes me really sad? Failed friendships. It makes me really sad to hear some people tell me that "yea...we don't talk anymore." I think it's so sad because it's like part of your memories with that person is, in a way...lost. For those of you who truly has people in your life that you are definately sure will be there till the end, I envy you. Keep it and cherish it. To Jared, I say you beat me on this one...bad. I am so sad cause little memories of me are here, there, and everywhere. There's a little in Vietnam, a little in the philipines, a little at Cordova Courts, a little at South Lake, and now here. I don't keep in touch with anyone of these people besides friends in college. huhhh. I think Michy said something really wise that I will never forget. She said, "if they are your true friends," you don't have to see them all the time. I guess this is true. God has control over who is in my life. It's really true. Take Michy for example. I known her 5 years ago...don't remember. We busted tables together for two years, got separated for a while, and then came to the same college, got separated for a while, worked at the same restaurant again, and kept in touch again. Weird. If it's not God, who is it? I really believe that I will never get rid of Michelle..hehe. j/k. I know no matter where we end up, we will still remain friends. I guess I have this fear of being forgotten. Maybe I wasn't a secure baby when I was little since my mom left me for work all the time. Maybe it's all excuses. In the end, I wish to do better. I wish to love and not be afraid. I wish to give my heart away to people that wants it knowing the risk that it could be taken away to who knows where. I guess all I am saying is, five or ten years from now, I still like to see you guys at my wedding. Five or tens years from now, I would like to hold your child in my arms. Five or ten years from now, I hope to not be forgotten.

Your incredibly sappy sam

hum....i still have yet to figure out who this mystery person number 10 is. Reveal yourself whoever you are.

Random thoughts. I hate taking initiatives and I have no idea how. I think it is totally by God's amazing grace that I have friends!!! It's like he planned for me to come to MSU and dropped a bunch of amazing people into my life. I never had to work for it. I wish I did. I wish I knew how. Lately, it has been a struggle of mine to come to the conclusion that I will be left alone for two years at MSU by myself. This thought is rather depressing and it has been boggling my mind. Don't know....As some of you already know, one of the biggest fear of mine is saying goodbyes. I think I can deal with it if I didn't have friends to begin with, but now that I have them, and tasted the wonderful fruit of friendship, I am going to miss it. In fact, I already am missing it. Wow...it's already the end of the semester and I am starting to feel really lonely. I guess it is normal when you are out of the circle, and out of the loop. I start to question what am I doing here? Where am I even going with my life? Will I make it? Do I have a purpose here in life? How am I serving God with my life right now? nothing...the thought of, you are lazy, you are worthless keep crossing my mind. This is all a lie and I know it. I have proof....psalm 139.; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderul. I know that full well. I am fighting it. I came to the conclusion that everyone have a deep seated struggle that will be hard to get rid of. Sometimes, you can't because it will always come back and bite you in the butt when you are not on your defense. For some people, they struggle with body image and the desire to be loved. For me, it is self worth. When something goes wrong, or when lonliness hit, I feel worthless.
So what is my life....school...school...and school. I am so sick of school!! Will I be satisfied if I am busy? No...i don't think so. I think it would be easier to hide my loneliness behind the busy schedule but once I slow down, I realized that it is still there..I am just more aware of it. This weeks ccf really spoke my heart. It made me realized how thirsty I was. I was lonely and thirsty for God but I didn't know it. Why? Because I was DOING my quiet times. I was reading my bible and praying. Why isn't it enough? Because my heart had no peace. My mind was filled but not of Godly things.

It's amazing how remembering someone's name could potentially make you a new friend. Today, I was astonished by a classmate who remembered my name after telling him once!! It definately caught me by surprise that he remembered! I turned to him and said, what did you call me? hehe...it was quite amusing how I reacted to him. Also as I was walking back from class, I saw an old friend. I stopped and waved to him and I was very glad to see him. The smile on my face was quite big and it definately told him that I was happy to see him. Quite interesting how gestures and manerism speak a thousand words.

I noticed something about myself lately. I realize that whenever I am lonely, bored, or stressed, I tend to eat. That is bad because I shouldn't rely on food to make me feel better. I should adapt another way of handling stressful situations such as meditations and prayers. Please pray for me guys. So that is my struggle lately. So how are you guys doing?

I once kept a bottle-shaped cocoon of an emperor moth for nearly one year. The cocoon was very strange in ti's construction. The neck of the "bottle" had a narrow opening through which the mature insects forces it way. Therefore the abandoned cocoon is as perfect as one still inhabited, with no tearing of the interwoven fibers having taken place. The great disparity between the size of the opening and the size of the imprisoned insect makes a person wonder how the moth ever exits at all. Of course, it is never accomplished without great labor and difficulty. It is believed the pressureto which the moth's bodyis subjected when passing through such a narrow opening is nature's way of forcing fluid into the wings, since they are less developed at the time of emerging from the cocoon than in other insects. I happened to witness the first efforts of my imprisoned moth to escape from its ling confinement. All morning I watched it patiently striving and struggling to be free. It never seemed able to get beyond a certain point, and at last my patience was exhausted. The confining fibers were probably drier and less elastic than if the cocoon had been left all winter in its native habitat, as nature meant it to be. In any case, I thought I was wiser and more compassionate than its Maker, so I resolved to give it a helping hand. With the point of my scissors, I snipped the confining threads to make the exit just a little easier. Immediately and with perfect ease, my moth crawled out, dragging a huge swollen body and little shriveled wings! I watched in vain to see the marvelous process of expansion in which these wings would silently and swiftly develop before my eyes. As I examined the delicately beautiful spots and markings of various colors that wree all there in miniature, I longed to see them assume their ultimate size. I looked for my moth, one fot he loveliest of its kind, to appear in all its perfect beauty. But I looked in vain. My misplaced tenderness had proved to be its ruin. The moth suffered an aborted life, crawling painfully thorugh its brief existence instead of flying through the air on rainbow wings. I have thought of my moth often, especially when watching with tearful eyes those who were struggling with sorrow, suffering, and distress. My tendency would be to quickly alleviate the discipline and bring deliverance. O shortsighted person that I am! How do I know that one of these pains or groans shoudl be relieved? The farsighted, perfect love that seeks the perfection of its object does not weakly shrink away from present, momentary suffering. Our Father's love is too steadfast to be weak. Because He loves His childrean, He "diciplines us...that we may share in his holiness" (Heb. 12:10). With this glorious purpose in sight, He does not relieve our crying. Made perfect through suffering, as our Elder Brother was, we children of God are disciplined to make us obedient, and brought to glory through much tribulation. from a tract.
Cowan, L.B. Streams in the Desert. Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House. 1925.

Jesus said "But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first."
Jesus said, "Blessed are those who are meek for they will inherit the earth."
Jesus said, "For my grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness."
Paul said, "Therefore, I will boast the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's
power may rest on me. For when I am weak, I am strong."
question to ponder? Are you meek?

Lately God reminded me that my struggles are not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. To prepare us for battle, God said, "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with your breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which yoiu can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:12-18. I am still standing guys. Thanks for those who faithfully prayed and care for me. I love you guys.

SORRY...I JUST HAD TO VENT

There are days when the sky grew cloudy where it's hard to tell from night and day. (Miss Saigon) It is these kinds of days that makes me dream....Dream of going away. Dream of flying to places where there will be blue skies and morning sun. I long...long to fill this void in my heart. I long to fill it with joy, and peace. I have God. I love God but when will I find it once again? Lately, bad news are clouding over me and I feel like it is building up inside as if it is about to storm. Maybe I am grieving. Maybe i am coping. Although God is near me, I still wonder why. I patiently wait for him. There are so much my soul wants to speak of but will it be a sign of weakness? One question I want to ask is, will you stay? Will you stay after knowing me and all my sadnesses? Will you be there to help me through? I am not going to hide. I am going to be real. I feel very lonely. Which one of you is going to BE REAL? I know u have your problems!! Why doesn't anyone want to talk? I feel so suffocated inside myself. We see but do we feel? We have ears but do we listen? Let's just play hide and seek. How do we cope? What is your way of dealing? coping? For me, it's running. Keep moving and you won't think. Keep busy. Keep distracted and maybe this will take away some of the pain.

I am quoting John Eldredge in Wild at Heart. He said that God's relationship with us and with our world is just that: a relationship. As with every relationship, there's a certain amount of unpredictability, and the ever-present likelihood that you'll get hurt. The ultimate risk anyone ever takes is to love, for as C.S Lewis says, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal." But God does give it, again and again and again, until he is literally bleeding from it all. God's willingness to risk is just astounding - far beyond what any of us would do were we in his position.

The pressure and the tension of the semester has finally come to and end. No matter how much I want to hide and run away, I know that you guys will eventually find out I didn't pass my health evaluation and must repeat the course all over again next school year. For a person who has so much pride and strive so hard for perfection, I have certainly been humbled beyond comfort and pain. There are times when we have endless conversations, at the dinner table, about graduating in three or three and a half years of school, and then there are those that feels the pressure and the stress to meet meet those standards because everyone talks about the subject without considering what it's like for the other person who WON'T be graduating in 3.5, 4, or even 5 years. Yup...that's me. How am I feeling right now? Ask me how much I struggled even from grade school on and I will tell you. Ask me how I strive so hard to get into nursing and I will tell you. Ask me how scared I was when I started nursing in the beginning of the semester? Ask me how much I want to complain and fret. Ask me why I didn't do well, and ask me why I failed. For some of you, you will never understand how much this kills my inner self. For some of you, you will never know how deep this cuts. I am very uncertain of my future. I am very uncertain how much things will change. I don't want to be left behind when all my friends go. I feel like I've been chasing a measuring stick all my life. When will I stop measuring myself based on the world's standard? When will truly feel complete? How much will your love for me change once you know I am not all that I want to be? Only the test of time will tell.

Yesterday brought back a lot of the old memories of freshmen year when we all had absolutely no idea what is ahead of us and what we are to become. It's suprising to know that it's only been two and a half years of college and the memories we stored up is monumental. I am a little bit sad that I didn't really keep a journal of all the good times that we had because, now, it is even somewhat difficult to remember certain events. When we were sharing yesterday night, I missed the old times. The new is good too but there's just something about yesterday you can't replace. I remember the skiing trip where we first met Ben. Being the jock that he is, I remember how cool he was for patiently showing us how to ski. I remember those hilarious nights where we played settler with Jared and almost killed him by the end of the night because he was so evil. I remember times when it was just me, ra, michelle, and joyce in accountability. I remember literally crying out our hearts to God and asking for his love and mercy through our difficult times. I remember those hard and long conversations trying to convince Diana of our love and most importantly God's love for her. I remember walking through the snow as well as being thrown into them. I remember the superman fart that got joyce and Ra rolling on the floor, almost dying of laughter. I remember the night where we first understood what spiritual warfare is, and those endless core meetings with JW, JC, Christie, Cassie, Ra, Jared, Eric, Me, and Naomi, as well as Ben who came in later. Those were good times. Things are different now and people have certainly changed, and I would say for most part, for the better. I see amazing growth in people that really want to change. They became wiser and more mature. Experiences has lead us to understand better correct ways of evaluating and analyzing things. Certain things are no longer seen as just black or white but as grey. We are understanding how to discern God's will more instead of making judgment calls and then praying to God for things to go well. Relationships has deepened to another level where we can truly support one another through prayers and love. As people go through experiences, they also understand more clearly what they are looking for and how they can find it. Life choices becomes more important to us. For the more recent times, I thoroughly enjoy movie nights in my room. I enjoy ice skating, and study parties in west lounge. I enjoy that one night of settler with me, Ben, Sheen, Sewa, and Joyce. I enjoy having a hangout place at USB every Friday night and those long running chats with my running partner. I enjoy those long and deep conversations with people where we talked about God and our spiritual growth. I enjoyed PIN BALL Pete's A LOT. wow. didn't know i had in it me huh? Great times. God's blessings. Long nights. Huhhh...it's totally worth it. I love you guys.

Important elements in true love; God, trust, selflessness, openness, forgiveness, exceptance, teachability, responsibility, and commitment. Love...one must be able to look past problems and do whatever it takes to achieve the goal. Love...is being able to forgive wrong doings that were done by the other person. It means loving this person enough to give out chances no matter what happened in the past. Love...is knowing you are willing to commit to the other person for the rest of your life even when feelings of love temporily escapes. Love is being assured that the person you love fits and fills your heart completely. There is no other person who could do a better job at loving you. Love is when someone completes you entirely. Your strong traits makes up for their weaknesses and vice versa. Love is not selfish. Love means being willing to give without anything in return. Love means doing what is best for the other person even if it means giving them up. Love looks out for the other person's best interest. Love means being honest with yourself and the other person about what is truly important to each other and accepting EVERYTHING about them. Love means growing fruitfully together to achieve a Godlier life. Love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 corinthians 1:4-7

I would love to hear any additional comments you have share about what true love is. Add to my comments.

Yesterday was a blast. I had so much fun at CCF and ice skating. They played a lot of my favorite songs on the ring. At the end of the day I got a little emotional about where I am in life and certain characteristics that God gave me. At CCF, we were asked the question, "If you could change one characteristics about yourself what would it be?" Now that I ponder at it, I would like to have more drive. I watched the girls during body worship yesterday and they all had some good ideas as to how things could be done better. As for me, I sat back and listened because there were simply too many people that automatically took charge. I look at one of my best friend and she is a true leader. She has what it takes (the brain, the drive, the dicipline, Godly characteristics, sincere love for people, and amazing talents) and, I HATE to do this, but I look at myself and I fall so short. Yea...even literally!! Then I went ice skating and I saw some people try and push to become better at ice skating. At the end, they did really good and some were even going backwards on skates. What I noticed about myself was that I don't try for many things in life. I am not the type to press on toward the goal but to just slowly let it come. I don't have big ambitions, I am not very driven, and maybe I don't have big dreams. I have determined that I will NEVER be anyone great in life cause I simply do not care to fight for it. I learn things slow and I am adament about learning things on my own, the way I like it. I am not a team player and I have such a hard time fitting in. AHHHHHH.....I am so frustrated with myself cause I feel like such a loser. I feel so out of place, and I feel so useless. Where is my niche? I need to find it. I know somewhere out there, I will find where I can truly apply myself. I know somewhere out there, God has intended great things for me to do. I know somewhere out there, there will be things that I feel passionately about and nobody could be a better job than me. Where is my world and will I truly fill in the hole inside of me? Will I always be struggling with my self worth?

Lord I am struggling. In the face of adversity, I crumble and fall before my Lord. I lost faith in myself and I dwell in my weaknesses. Why am I so weak? Why am I so inadequate.

Lord I praise you for humbling me in many different ways. I praise you for continually shaping me. Lord I pray that one day every tongue will confess you are God. One day every knee will bow. Still the greatest treasure remain for those who gladly choose you now. Lord forgive me for my unfaithfulness, forgive me for my fears, forgive me for claiming things that don't belong to me. Lord forgive me for my gossiping tongue and my hypercritical judgements of people. Forgive me for my pride and for not being content. I know that I have fallen short of the glory of you. Lord, I pray that you will use me and all that is in me. Equip me so that I may be adequate enough to serve you. Give me just enough so my heart does not want and desire more. Lord give me what I lack. Don't give me what your righteous judgement says I deserve. Help me to acknowledge my sin, and my weaknesses. Build me into a stronger person Lord. Increase my wisdom and knowledge if it pleases you so I could use it for your glory. Lord bless me in my studies and allow me to have faith in what seems like the impossible. Help me to have great pride in my God for all the great things he can do in my life. Show me your ways oh Lord and your plans for me. Lord build me up to be a woman of prayer for my family, friends, and my enemies. give me tolerance for people who are overbearing.

Lord, I have never been more convinced of your love for me. Your plans are too great for me to see, but one thing I know, you have providence over everything and all things work for the good of those who loves you. Who have been called according to your purpose. Lord I understand that because you love me and because I love you, there is no way I can turn away from what you want for my life. I know that I cannot escape or refuse you for anything oh Lord, therefore, I pray that you will use me to glorify you and bring glory to your name. Though I am weak Lord, you are strong and your power is made perfect in weakness, therefore, I will boast the more gladly about my weaknesses. Lord, please equip me with what I need to fullfill your plans. Give me just enough so I don't become greedy and depend on myself. Lord, I am ready for whatever you choose for me. May your name shine brightly in the universe.

I went home this weekend and I saw my family for a little bit. I know my dad was really happy to see me although we hardly spoke more than three words to each other. The relationship in my home is a really weird one. Our love for each other is seldom expressed in ways that normal people would through personal touches, words of affirmation, gifts, serving, and quality time. Nope...we don't have any of that. That leads me to question, "do I really have a loving home?" I mean, my family provides everything I need and I can't be more certain that they care....but is something still missing? Do you really need to talk to each other in order for a family to be a family? Maybe it's a cutural thing. Maybe I just have a super mundane, inward family. No gossips, no fights, no problems right? I feel very ambiguous sometimes cause, on one hand, that is one thing I love the most about my family...the normalcy. On the other hand, there are no personal connections with each other besides our gene. There is a reason why I am talking about my family all of a sudden. This weekend, I got a chance to talk to my mom on our way to the grocery store. As usual, she drives and I talk, however, this time I decided to go deeper and allow her to know about my "personal life"....something I NEVER done before. (yea..kinda sad). Let me tell you, it was rather uncomfortable because she has no response whatsoever as to what I have to tell her. I couldn't tell whether she was mad, happy, worried, because she was so expressionless. The most frustrating part is, she always interrupts as i was talking. After she did this numerous times, I started to wonder whether she did it on purpose. Maybe she was really uncomfortable with me opening up to her like that. Finally, I said to her, "Mom, if you don't ask me questions today, I may not tell you later when you ask me." Let me tell you, that got her attention all right. I also told her how important it was for her to know what's going on with school, friends, etc. I needed her approval and support through prayers and words of affirmation. I told her that I want her to start getting used to hearing more about me cause I don't want to throw a big chunk of my life at her later on. By telling her about my life, I wanted to break her out of her "Chinese mentality" and be more open minded to the American culture. My conversation with her was a little hard at first. First, it was a little difficult to express to her my feelings from English to Chinese. I wanted to make sure she totally understand my emotions as well as facts. Second, she wasn't there for most of the things I had to go through so she could not possibly understand without seeing me go through it first hand. Third, she had no clue as to how I think and what's important to me. She definately does not value the same things I do. So anyways...after I babble on and on...I could tell she began to see my life in 3D. I could tell she thought about a lot of things that haven't crossed her mind before. For instance, she never considered the fact that I AM a hard core Christian American girl. (not suggesting I am a super Christian) Other than the fact that I know a lot of Chinese traditions and speaks different languages, I am conformed to the American way of thinking. Let me give an example. My "future family" is going to be very different from mine now. My family is going to receive lotsa hugs, and kisses. It is going to be like one of those folders crystal commercials where the kids jumps into their parent's bed in the morn. We will have movie nights together with popcorn and hot chocolate. We will all mesh into one big comfy sofa and read books by the fire place. We are going to have dinner together at a table and talk about things that went on in each other's lives. Thanksgiving, Christmas, at our house, will be filled with people, presents, and a big ole Christmas tree. We will go bob sledding, bake cookies...etc. I am going to be active in at my kid's school, and try to attend every game, plays, orchestra etc. I don't know....is this realistic? This is what I want but will God bless me with it? Maybe he will bless me even more than I can imagine. Maybe I want all these things cause I've been so deprived all my life. Who could possibly understand? Will I find a guy who wants the same things I do?? huhhh....

This is for you and I Rachelle. In His time, in his time, He makes all things beautiful, in His time. Lord please show me everyday, as You're teaching me Your way, that You do just what you say, In Your time. In Your time, in Your time, You make all things beautiful, in Your time. Lord, my life to You I bring, may each song I have to sing, be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

How much do you know me? Take this quiz http://www.stumpyourfriends.com/stump2.cgi?90276214102002

I was watching the real world in my room with Sewa and I felt like I was watching porn. I have to admit, it was really exciting to watch cause these people are sooo messed up. There's this girl who has eating disorders and sleeps around with EVERY guy she meets and thinks she is innocent. Then there's the black dude that is in love with his ex-girlfriend and thought he got her pregnant. Then there's this girl that does the dirty with multiple people at the same time and dances at a club for money. Ahhh....it was like a nightmare that never ends. Yea...I shouldn't have been watching that kinda junk on tv cause it did mess with my head. I have to go into confession with God afterwards cause I felt so corrupted. These people are living a life so different from mine, yet at the same time, we all have one thing in common....we are all human and we fall short of the glory of God. one thing is for sure. God is all holiness and he requires that of us too. The standard of goodness that we should follow doesn't change no matter how much more open and accepting the world is to sin. Some people compromise the standard of God based on how the world is. We tend to think that as long as we are not as "bad" as those people on tv, we are ok but one thing to remember is that our God cannot tolerate ANY sin. We know we are on the right path when we are at the opposite end of where our world is.

This blog contains random thoughts of the week. Read at your own discretion.

Must leave room....the air is saturated with pheromone as Sewa oozes and gushes over boys. "So he leans over and whispers into my ear". (burrr...sam shivers and chills run down her spine). Need some air cause I am suffocating in here. You see, Sewa is in one of her boy crazy stages again. I have to say, it's awfully amusing cause she is so expressive.

Oops I did it again... I will make one heck of a bad wife someday...hehe. My one imperfection is that I CAN'T DO LAUNDRY!! Last time it was different shades of pink, this time it's blue. What is wrong with me?? Ok, don't answer that one please!! I actually know why I kept doing that. 1. I am cheap so I won't separate my colors from my whites. It cost me three dollars to wash my clothes each time!!! 2. I couldn't remember which article of clothing runs and which ones doesn't. I could've swore I washed my jeans before and it didn't run!! So yea..could never do laundry right. That just made my ranking drop as a more desirable future wife. OH WELL.

Seoul Train was FUNN!! I realized I love singing and dancing. And no Kenny...I DON'T DO BOOTY dancing so stop trying to make me out like that. JERK...

Sewa and I are so excited about this new product that we bought called sodium sulfate which bleached our toilets wicked white. It was really cool watching the stubborn stain dissappear.

Had many good moments this week. Hold on to the good and let go of the bad. Whatever will be will be. The future is not ours to see. (Anyone know the song title?). Have a great week!!

I am reading a book called The Invisible Hand and it talks about God's providence. I want to share with you my learnings and the things I found to be very true for me. For one thing, I learned that God truly works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I've been struggling so much lately with pain and hurt. For a while I put God on the back burner everytime I question why he wasn't there for me or why he allowed bad things to happen to me. Now that I look back, I learned that all the pain I've had in the past was indeed for the better. If certain things didn't happen in the past, the present things may not work out as well as they did. While I am suffering from pain and hurt, God was preparing for healing, growth, and newer better things. We have a God that are active in the details of our life. We have a God that cares about our spiritual nurishment more than our temporary pain and unhappiness. We have a God that is soverign, omnipotent, and foreknowing. Knowing this gives me so much comfort because I can entrust my life unto him. He isn't a God that is uncertain and hesitant. God does not have a second plan.

I feel so lost, so confused, and so frustrated. I am so uncertain of the future and what it holds. I am anxious to get my ticket so I can go and see the world. Maybe I been feeling like this lately cause I am so dissappointed. Dissappointed with my life in the past and in the present. I am so dissappointed that I accomplished nothing with my life. I am dissappointed with the relationships that I've built and I am dissappointed that everything I thought I knew fell apart on me. Surprisingly, I haven't fallen apart yet. I am mad, I am angry, and I am scared. I am mad at myself cause I don't have dicipline. I am mad at myself for being shaken in my foundation. I am mad at myself for giving in to what I hold true to. I am mad at myself for allowing things to shake me.

It's almost the end of the semester and things are finally falling into place for me. The transition into nursing school is definately a cultural shock but I am slowly adapting. The girls and I are becoming more like sisters because of the classes we have with each other. I am grateful for them because I was able to have a supportive group of people that keeps encouraging me in stressful times. Besides these people, I feel that no one particulary has any interest in what I do in nursing so I am very greatful for them. Although we constantly help each other out in our studies, the competition is still there. Each person strives very hard to achieve the 4.0 gpa. I didn't realized how many high achievers we have in our class. I was so impressed with some's ability to stay on task. I feel so proud to be in nursing school yet, at the same time, I feel like I am the most unorganized among my classmates. At the beginning, I lacked the motivation to go on....but now, i am getting more excited with my carreer. I am grateful for such an amazing, kind, Christian instructor.

There has been times in my life where I get upset over insensitive, rude, and annoying people. In those instances I get totally wrapped up in rationalizing why they are wrong and why I am right. I would analyze things to death and try to make sense of why people are the way they are. I have invested so much physical and emotional energy into this that I could've written a book by now. I discovered something lately that brought a whole new meaning to my life. I realized that the way a person carry himself/herself is not my problem and I have no business trying to correct his or her ways. In trying to "show these people how I feel", I forgot that it's not really them that's the main issue.....IT'S ME!! Obviously i can't fix or stop people from being who they are. Instead of trying to work on other people, I should've worked on my own patience and tolerance level. Maybe it's being less sensitive and critical that I have to work on or maybe it's learning how to ignore stupid comments. Yea...It's SOOOO hard but you just have to suck it up somethings and just do it!! Maybe in this way, you will one day show that person how much you are trying to do the right thing by trying to love and honor God. Maybe in the future, that person will change because of your patience with him or her. In the past, I didn't have the free choice to walk away from my sins of holding grudges or being judgemental but now I do cause of Christ. I have a choice to choose to love instead of criticise. I have a choice to choose to see the best in people instead of seeing their flaws. It's so liberating to have the choice to walk away from things that has been hindering us all along.

Have you ever had that feeling where you thought it's finally here but then it's not? Yea...that is how I feel right now. I feel so uncertain of the future and so uncertain of what will happen. I think all I can do is to wait for God's plan. I just have to have faith that he has the best thing in mind for me..... : ) yea..I just know it.

Oh as usual, there's so much to say but there's so little time and most of you know that expressing myself is not one of my strong points. Sometimes I like to stick with the old phrase "If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all". Very wise...very wise. If I could control my tongue more, maybe i would get in trouble with people less. I overcome one great thing this week...I learned to evaluate/consider/deal with criticisms. This week, someone said something to me that made me feel very little about myself. "Am I really that way" I thought. At first, it bothered me a great deal. Then I went into prayers with God and I asked him, "Lord, please tell me if there are any truths to the criticisms." After the prayer two cool things happened. 1. God answered me by reminding me the story of Job. In his most desperate times, his friends lost faith in him cause they thought he sinned against God, therefore, he was being punished. Job knew better. He knew that God knows his heart and he knew that he has done no wrong to God. Lesson to me was: it's more important what God thinks about us than what others think about us. 2. If I did wrong to others and God, then I should change and make things right. Either way, it's a win win situation. I went away feeling very at peace. For the very first time, I didn't feel like I need to Grab that person aside and try to change his/her mind about me. What is the word nowadays?? Humbling...the word is humbling.

At the end of the night, I know I am blessed. At the end of the night, I know I am loved. At the end of the night, I know I am forgiven.

On a side note...do you know what Disney princess I am? I am belle. That was unexpected cause i thought I would be Mulan or something..hehe. Here's what it says...let me know what you think.


You're Belle!

You are a true bookworm and dream of a life better than the simple, quiet one you lead now. Your good looks can attract the town jerks, but you manage to ignore them most of the time. Sometimes you feel like you're surrounded by idiots. So what are you waiting for? You don't need your father to be kidnapped to get out and see the world. Although you can be stubborn, you're also very compassionate and see beyond people's façades.

I woke up to peace, joy, and sunshine this morning. God is so good. I've been realizing lately that, without God, nothing will last and that include friendships. The solid base of all things is God. I realized that I can't built the right relationships with people if I don't learn Christ's way of loving them. (James-3-4. Ephesians 4:1-3. Galations 5: 13) I realized that even if I do build the relationship, it will eventually crumble and fall. The kind of love Jesus taught is sacrificial love and no one is a better example than he. Jesus truly loved people when he had no reason to. He loved Peter even though he denied him three times. He loved Judus even though he knew he would betray him. Jesus's way of loving means we love when there are no reasons to. Jesus's way of loving means we love even when we might not receive it back. Jesus's way of loving means forgiving each other even when you know that you have not been forgiven. I've been struggling with this lately and I finally understand that I need to apply God's word to every aspect of my life. There is no rock like our God. You are my precious cornerstone I stand on you alone, there is no rock like our God.

Ephesian 4:2-6 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - One Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

I know all the girls will be talking about this too but I am just going to write it in my blog anyways. The guys came to accountability and surprised us with flowers, and ice cream cake!! I almost broke out into tears. I love getting flowers. It makes me feel pretty. You know, I am very happy we have so many quality men in CCF. We can always count on our brothers to make us feel special! So to all you men who are reading....thankyou and I love you all.

I am suppose to be studying right now but what do I do? I am blogging...yes. There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now it feels as if a marathon is going on inside my head. I suppose you would like me to tell you what I am thinking about huh? Maybe that's why you are here reading my blog to see what I have to say. Well for one thing, I am thinking about friendships and how much I love my friends. Christy and I talked about how fast time passed us by and it drove both of us to tears. My heart is so heavy to know that she will graduate after this year as well as Ben leaving us next semester. I dread that day cause I know that I will not be able to stop crying. Lately, I been appreciating my friends so much more. I love them so much for they were my support when I needed someone to lean on. These are the people that God used to shape me into the person I am. Two years has gone by already and we are spending our last year together at McDonel. Soon, people are leaving to New York, California, Chicago. When we have families of our own, will we remember each other and the heartfelt good times that we had? I know I will always remember...I am learning...learning to put behind the petty issues in my life cause I know time will dissappear before my eyes and I won't get it back. I am learning to give without asking for something back. I am learning how to love my neighbor as myself cause that is what true friendship means. Jesus please help me cause it is so hard.

I ate a whole big bar of chocolate today. Ummmm....it tasted so good. Now I am satisfied. : ) I got two people to join me in learning the arts of true dancing. It's so much fun. dun dun dun...da dun dun dun dun dun..

Things to do when you are blue, stressed, sad..
1. Take a walk along the beautiful cedar river and just start talking to God (that is if you are lucky enough to have a river at your University..hehe)
2. Rent a sappy movie and cry our eyes out
3. Call up an extremely affectionate friend and ask her/him to give you a teddy bear hug for a longggg time
4. Sketch our beautiful campus
5. turn up the music really loud and go crazy
6. call up a close relative and ask her/him how she is doing for once. You have no idea how much they can make you feel special
7. Go for a run.....play tennis....volleyball
8. change into your pajamas, put on a movie, and have hot pot with your roommate....hehe..hum...maybe we should try fondu next time..
9. go play pool
10. invite some friends over to play settler and eat cheese and crackers (warning...only invite those people that will not take offense to losing)
11. have a tea party with a friend. (this one's rachelle's)
12. and this is my personal favorite....knit a scarf for someone you love. It's getting colder and colder.

any other ones? please feel free to add if you have other good suggestions.

Some of you may wonder what happened to the other blogs that I wrote recently. Well allow me to explain. I realized that, lately, I've been pretty depressing to be around. For those of you who have to be there for that, I am extremely sorry. I have came to the conclusion that there are so many more happy things in life that I should be celebrating about instead of dwelling on the not so good things. Although I cannot wipe away my sadness and pretend that it never happened, I like to start and be more optimistic about my why I am here and how I can enjoy myself even better. I know it's been a long time since you guys heard me say it but I really love you guys. I know at times, I overlook at all the people that truly care about me and I take advantage of that. I am truly sorry. Your friendships means so much to me and it saddens me to know that we will not be together much longer. God has really blessed me with a great group of friends and MSU is the best place to be because of it.

The wife of a noble character. Proverbs 31

A wife of a noble charcter who an find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants whith sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her; "Many women do noble things. but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fletting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works brings her praised at the city gate.

What a woman!!!!

As you can see, I changed my template again. I didn't really like the other one. For some reason, I have never gotten used to it. It's just not my style. Besides, as much as I want to get into the whole cutsie sanrio stuff...i just can't. There is a limit as to how much I can take. Same with boy bands and comics etc... (nothing's wrong with them girls and...um some guys). The thing I am really sad about is that I have lost all my comments, especially Ben's. Maybe you can repeat what you said again as a reminder to me Ben. I have been blogging pretty frequently recently. Maybe blogging, for me, is a source of comfort that allows me to be who I am without offending anyone or emotionally drain my friends. I have been told, by my friends that when I am happy, I will light up the world with my giggles and smiles... but when I am sad, it's pretty depressing. I don't know why I am like that for once. Sewa told me once that she was worried about me because it scares her to know that I am so unhappy. Ever since she told me this, I have taken notice of what she meant. Yea, I had my share of down times but i thought it has left me ever since God gave us the strength and the courage to live on. Maybe certain things will never leave me. Maybe what has happened in the past will always cast a shadow in the dark. I don't want to take on the identity as a broken and wounded person. I want to be free but it doesn't come easy. It is a still a constant struggle for me. I just have to keep reminding myself that Christ has given me the option to let go. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. 2 corinthians 5:17. Yea, I feel like there are constant internal struggles in my life but, ultimately, my end goal is to live and please God. There is nothing more I can offer.

To a friend, I know that I haven't been able to offer you much of my friendship lately...in fact, it pains me that I am such a terrible friend. The only thing I can offer you is my prayers, which I find to be more helpful than anything I could ever do for you. I may not be the source of which you turn to in times of trouble but just know that you have a friend in me because I understand.

WOW....that was an AMAZING run. After a week of bottling up everything I finally let it all out. I FEEL SOOOO GOOOOOOD!! You are a GREAT running partner RaRa and a GREAT SOUL MATE! And Sewa...I just appreciate you more and more each day. Thank you for that great massage you gave me yesterday and making sure I was alright when I had my 2 hour walk alone. You guys mean so much to me and I would'nt have known what to do without you two. I LOVE YA sistahs.

hehe......SEwa plops on her bed...sighss...hehehe.. (Sewa is happy)
Sam: She's so cute
Jared: Sewa, you are such a waste of life!!!
Sam: She's still so cute thoughhhhh!!!
Jared: SO??? that is not the issue here....you can be a cute waste of life...

and that is how we settled our arguements. We came to the conclusion that SEwa is a cute waste of life.

I think i am getting really homesick again. Suddenly sadness is clouding over me. I don't know what it is, but it feels like someone literally took my stomach and wrung it out. All I want to do is to run home and get beneath the covers of my bed and sleep. Maybe I could travel..just backpacking to different part of the world all by myself. There's so much to do yet I feel completey useless as to what God wants to do with my life. Again it feels like I am on a stand still and I am here here wasting away. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Maybe this silent venting will make me feel much better on the inside. Who do I confide in? I feel so trapped inside my own skin. I want to get out. I will take a walk.