Saturday, January 27, 2007
There you have it, my first big breakdown that is classically called the "move in depression." My emotions has been building up for several weeks and I couldn't really put a handle on my feelings until last night. We came home from the orientation and Ben had noticed that something wasn't quite right. He kept badgering me until I finally broke down into a pool of tears. What was bothering me was a list of emotions, fears, excitement, dissappointments, and insecurities, that had been building up in me for so long. That, plus the feeling of guilt and responsibility of finding a job, had made me on edge. I felt guilty that God had given me a small responsibilty in life and I couldn't handle it. When I compare my life with the life of some great people, I feel small and insignificant. Why would God bother with me when he had so many that glorifies his name? My life is disorderly, undiciplined, and selfish. I feel the sin bearing down on me, I see my unrepentent arrogant heart. I bow my face to God, confessing that nothing is good in me. He choose me from his mercy and grace. By my God's standard, I am doomed. I need to learn to find forgiveness and accept his grace. I too often measure myself and fall short. I need to look to the cross and not to myself. I need to take Paul's advice and forget what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, to press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.