Sunday, October 21, 2007

I've been thinking about my dad lately, about the relationship between him and I and the dynamic of our family. I was ashamed that I have not called my father in person to tell him of my pregnancy. It is unloving conduct that puts me to shame. The root of the problem is that I am deeply fearful of talking to my dad. It saddens me that I have never had a conversation with my father. Growing up I seldom felt affections from him in any emotional sense and I never longed for it. He never shared any feelings with his children and what's going on in his life, he always felt very distant to us. My father's inability to communicate with his family has isolated him from the lives of his children. Both my brother and I try to avoid any type of conversations with my father because we are so uncertain of his reaction. There is almost nothing in common to talk about between him and us. He doesn't know how to respond to even the simplest type of conversations. When I think about my dad, I cannot think without a feeling deep pain for his loneliness, his isolation from people, from his family. I can sense in his eyes his longings to be known, his longings for love, his longings to know us, yet he cannot get beyond his emotional wall. I can only guess that the root of his problems are the deep pains that only he can see; pains of war, pains of losing a father at the age of 13, pains of poverty, and pains of losing a respected brother in war.

With my father there is one thing I am certain of; it is that he loves deeply despite his inability to communicate. It is impossible that a person who feels so much cannot love. I always wonder what God can do with a person like my dad. I wonder why he suffers so much and I pray desperately that there is hope for his soul.

To this day, my brother is still affected by my father's actions. Like him, he is unable to communicate love deeply. The difference between my brother and I is that God has demonstrated his love to me as a father through many wonderful influences in my life; he has given me a husband whose affections for me taught me the wonderful joy of being loved. I am more open to love with my life because I can see how silences destroys families. I hope that my children will never experience the suffering of not knowing love.

No comments: