It's silly. Sometimes, I forget that when I serve God, it's about him and not me. Lately, I've been struggling with what I am doing to serve God. I feel really guilty about working and not evangelizing or caring for God's people. I needed so badly to be needed that I felt my life was wasting away cause i am not. Most of the time, I undermine how important my job is in the kingdom of God. Ever since I left core, I felt so useless and so unimportant to God's ministry. For the last two years I saw the need to spend time with people that are struggling to grow in their spiritual walk. Sometimes, this is a really tiring and unnoticable job where we seldom get encouragements and support. sometimes, it's spiritually tiring myself and I long for that spiritual nurishment from someone in return. Many times, I question whether or not I make a difference in God's kingdom. Aside from wrestling with myself and my emotions, I do know and believe that Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. He doesn't need us for anything. We are there to serve a purpose.

Ben taught me one thing very very important that's missing in my life. One day, as we were driving, I asked him how he was able to forgive people all the time and not count their flaws against them. He replied with this statement "I give people grace cause I need grace all the time." This statement hit me like a ton of bricks. It's very true. In the past, i was very good at forgiving people but i was never that good at giving people grace. I realized that I was very hard on people when I thought they took me for granted. I would be hurt and then it would end up in distrust. I think this causes me to become very emotional and unhappy at times cause I would be mad at someone for something they didn't mean to do. This happens more often with people I am close to. But Ben is right, I also need a lot of grace from people for doing something wrong or not doing something i am suppose to. Through out those times, I am glad they forgave me and so i must learn to give grace in return.

Like i said, this summer has been really really difficult for me. I had to deal with many challenges that I never delt with before. As my faith grows deeper, I realized more and more the weaknesses in me that screams for God to change. It is soo hard. God said that I won't tempt you beyond what you can handle but why do i feel so weak? Don't know.

oh one more thing, i took ben to TO. He wasn't impressed. What do you say girls? Should I keep him or not? hehe. and i like to thank sewa, kc, eric, and jc for the bartlett pear scent plug. Cute guys. cute. Oh ben, there is this old lady that comes in to my pharmacy all the time. Her name is Bernice Bartlett. ARe you related to her? Also two streets away from my house, there is a street called Benjamin street. I also drive past a Bartlett street all the time too. Man! can't get away from you.