I got to spend some time with my mom this weekend. The only time we ever talk is in the car so we got a chance to chat some. During the conversation, I realized how different she is from me and how little she knows about me. I was really frustrated with her cause we were not able to communicate at all. The difference goes beyond different personalities, it's the way we think and what we believe that causes us to not listen to one another. First off, she has no clue where I am spiritually. When she gives me advice, it usually goes something like this, "make sure you pray a lot and read your bible. Don't worry about the future and let God takes care of it. Sometimes, I wish I am like my mom where her faith is just simple and enough but there are times when I really need her to give me some advice that will tell me what I should do. I guess the biggest difference is that I care a lot about how relationships work while she has no clue how they really should work. The division in our relationship comes because I wanted something more....I wanted a RELATIONSHIP. I told her about my friends today and I mentioned Ben. I told her that I love the way he doesn't care about materialistic things. Then we got into a discussion about how most people in America are not like that and it's hard to find people that are not....and then I started to use examples like, for so and so's birthday they got blank, but for me and Alan, it's not like that. Then my mom started going on and on about being content and how I should not want things that other people have and that their situations are different etc. She said that if she could give me good things, of course she would. AAHHH....I wish she will just listen to me and the meaning behind what I saying instead of what the words sound like to her. What I was trying to say is that, I recognize that there is a difference in our lifestyles. I wanted so badly for her to know that there are times when I wish I could be a princess. I wish that I could be spoiled and be taken care of. I guess I just want to feel special. The bottom line is, I would never accept things from my parents if they have to break their backs working for it and for her to think I am asking them for more breaks my heart. So as usual, i got really emotional. I realized I resentmented never being loved the way I needed so desperately through encouragements, gifts, physical touch and words or affirmation. For many years, I struggle with my self worth because of this.

For many years, I was mad at my mom for her having low self esteem cause it affected me greatly. Because she was never big on believing in the self, she had a difficult time believing in me. I guess her idea of being humble means you deny yourself to the fullest and never accept any credit for something you do well. Everytime i failed, I blamed it on my mom for not being my support, for not diciplining me to become the best. For many years, I blamed my mom for thinking that I wasn't smart enough or that I wasn't good enough to finish school. While we were driving and talking about how she could not learn English because she was old and her conditions does not allow her to, something came over me that's telling me I was also using my family as a scapegoat for my fear of failures. Because of that, i had a lot of anger and resent towards them. Everytime I tried to explain to my mom how i feels, she closed herself off from listening. To her, she did the best. I also believe she did try to do her best but her defination of the best means giving me freedom to choose whatever I want to do and supporting me financially with what she could. I told her that i was never able to get support from her mentally, and spiritually and it was hard for me. I understand where she's coming from. For her, her mom was never there to support her either. Because of this, my mom was very independent. It's very hard pulling myself through all these years. I wish she was more someone I could look up to when I needed help. I think a lot of my depressions comes because I was still angry. I think it's about time i let go of all my angers and let the spirit free me. I am going to take responsiblity for myself and let God do the rest.