Another one of those moments where my wound is open and bleeds again. In Rachelle's blog, she talks about God giving her grace. I wish I could experience right now the kind of grace God has given her. Weird how things are opposite for me. When I was in depression, God made me even more so until I broke. Time after time, he allowed people to wound me over and over again. Time after time, he allowed me to fail. Time after time, he expects me to forgive the most unforgivable things. I feel like God NEVER gives me breaks. He keeps pushing, keep expecting me to obey him consistantly. In a way, I have a hard time feeling God's love. He pushes and pushes for me to do well spiritually yet I feel like he doesn't care how hard this is for me. I plead to him that I am tired, I am weak, please make things easier for my Lord....please stop breaking me. I can relate to the first son in the parable of the Lost son. I am always seeking to know him more but it seems like he doesn't acknowledge me. He throws parties for people who don't care about him and he blesses them. I have such a hard time understanding why he make things so hard for me. I have such a hard time with why he doesn't protect me like he does to the others. I do feel dirty, I feel broken, and I feel unloved.