Dear God, I can't believe that one year has passed since I received this dairy for my sixteenth birthday. This one year can be said that it is the anniversary, one year, of knowing you. Out of these years I have learned a great deal of things and I have gotten closer to you. Out of these years, I have sinned and made many mistakes. What is unique about this year is that I realizes my sins, mistakes, and my foolishness. when I thought back to all those memories, I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I also realizes that from those foolish time, I learned and Made sure not to do it again. There are times when I feltt jealous of someone because they have better things than me. I had felt insecure because I have not much friends and my place at church was just a foriegner. I have always felt ashame when a critisism hit against me and I find the need to rapay those who had criticised me. I have felt like an ugly duckling because my views of the way I looked was distorted. Now, I have learned that you have created me beautifully and unique. I learned to forgive and forget. Sometimes, when I feel blue, I could just be down or take a hot shower and remember that new days will come and bad days will go away. I used to have no sense of direction on my life. I used to be scared of who I am. I used to be afraid that the next day was going to be a bad one. All those worries made me insane. Then all of a sudden, you came into my life. I realized there is a person who loves me. That person is you Lord. Out of all my frustrations, you understood me. There was a time when I wonder about myself if I am crazy. That was the saddest moments of my life. Just when everybody thought I was crazy, I even believed I was crazy. I even believed it myself. Nobody understands my sorrow, but only you do. There are many times when I feel alone, yet many times just like footprint, you are always there. I have been through tough times with you God. Times when I am fighting with the most toughest battle you were there. You took pity on me. On my poor soul an took me as your own. This year has been the happiest year of my life because this was when I first knew you. Love Sam

After reading the above paragraph, you must be either wondering about 1. why I choose to share such intimate things with you or 2. why my grammer was so bad. Tonight, I found my old journal and I started reading it again. Each page contained some of the most painful and heart felt memories of me during my struggles with depression, attempted suicide, and extreme self deprivation. I wrote that journal piece when I was 17 years old, although my struggles lasted many years before then. 17 was when I started to find God in my life and when the world became more bearable. For many years, I went through day by day wondering what tomorrow will be like. It has gotten so bad that I developed a phobia of people. I didn't want to see anyone and I certainly didn't talk much. School was unbearable for me and I started doing very poorly. Everyone just thought that I was a quiet girl. In public, I had all these mean thoughts about everyone. I didn't like the way someone looked at me and I could feel them criticizing me. I was very paranoid and it seemed like no one could earn my trust. No matter what, I didn't feel good enough and I always had a struggle with the way I looked. The people that I felt bad for was my family. My mom constantly see me cry and she would not be able to do something about it. Sometimes, because I was so angry all the time, I took it out on her for no apparent reason. The thoughts of suicide constantly crossed my mind but I was too weak to carry it through. One day, I was so mad that I took 10 diet pills all at once. I was hoping to fall asleep and end my life there but instead, I was fully awake. I lay there for about an hour and I started to feel myself shake. I felt really light and there was a floating sensation. I got really scared cause I thought that I was about to see God. I got out of bed, and I slowly made my way into my parent's bedroom. With trembling and fear, I woke my mom up. She made me drink bottles of water and vomit up the pills. Then she took me to the hospital. The doctor questioned me and I told him that I took the pills to speed up my diet. I could tell he didn't buy my story but he did made me look very foolish. From then on, I told my mom that I would never do it again. Those were only some instances that I went through. Almost four years has passed and I nearly forgotten what it was like to be that age. To me, it seemed like forever ago. I am sure that many of you has heard the saying that goes like this, You know you have achieved your life's goal if you look into a mirror twenty years from now and still see the same person you were then. Well only four years has passed and I am a completely different person than I was then. Although I do not want things to turn out differently if I could change the past, I do not want to go back and live those years again. I am certainly glad that I am not the person I was. My faith has made me strong. God believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. Looking back, he answered everyone of my prayers. Because of him, I have reasons to live. Because of what I went through, I have compassion and sympathy for people. I now understand why Jesus came to earth and died for my sins. He loved his people and he had compassion on them. Because he loved us, he faced humilation, insults, rejection, and physical harm. Do you have reasons to live? Everyone has a story to tell. I hope you will find Jesus Christ.

I Corinthians 1:27-29 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the dispised things, and the things that are not to nullify the things that are so that no one may boast before him.