Tonight, I start a new blog as a new beginning to my journey. Of course the past cannot be forgotten nor can it be ignored. Some choose to dwell in the past. I choose to take the old and turn them into a learning experience. Two days ago, I had a big yelling fest with my brother that leads me to learn about myself. What he told me was hurtful yet not unjustifiable. Through the constant yelling and hurtful words, I did not cease to listen to everything he is accusing me of being. He claims that as a person, I am too legalistic. He also expressed that others have the same view of me but, because they dislike confrontations, they avoided telling me of the problem. I also learned that I am a bad sister and, unlike me, he always thinks of me in every situation. The last statement leave me absolutely dumbfounded, not because the statement is untrue, but because I have missed it completely. Alan has certainly said many things in the argument but not one thing is specific. There were no examples, no names, no instructions, just disproval of me. Once again, after I talk to my brother, I feel completely like a failure and more confused than ever what I have done wrong and how I could go about changing my incorrect ways. How could I be so conscientious of everything I do yet miss such a big imperfection in my life? What hurts me the most is that I don't feel like there is anybody in the world that understands me. Throughout the years, I have developed a sense of independence from people and learn to rely on God alone. I dealt with my own problems and I learn from my mistakes. Sometimes, I wish someone would be there to bale me out of situations. I wished there were someone to tell me the right thing. I wish someone could be strong enough to catch me when I fall and most importantly, someone that can relate to me...but it doesn't always happen that way. At times, God will let bad things happen to people as a way for them to learn and grow in faith. Nowadays, Alan and I seldom argues. In fact, I would say that my relationship with him has greatly improved as we each draw closer to God. We talk more often and about more intimate things. I could count with my fingers how many times we argue even though we are completely different creatures. What leads us into these arguments is when share with each other our own viewpoints. He always tries to convince me he is right and I simply would not budge. Each time we fight, we both leave the argument even more convince the other is too proud and too stubborn to listen. Today, two days later, we act as if nothing went on. That's just how we are. There are no bitter feelings or grudges.... just unresolved issues that neither of us wants to deal with.