So for the last two weeks, my emotions has finally caught up to me. Now that school's over, I have lots of time to think and feel all the emotions that were in me ever since the beginning of the semester. I haven't experienced this severe of an emotional attack for a while now. Usually, i am able to snap out of it and get back in track with God, but this time, I just couldn't. I couldn't get myself to read the bible and sometimes, I don't even want to talk to God. I feel like everything about me is very ugly. When I look at pictures of myself, I feel disgusted cause I feel fat. The way my body curves makes me feel awkward and unappealing. I didn't like the way I smile, the way my eyes squinted. The most severe attack came when I feel ugly on the inside. Every time I criticized someone, I felt even worst as a person. I felt guilty when I was disagreeable and it made me feel worst to vent out my frustrations...that was the most frustrating part of all. Underneath it all, God did teach me a valuable lesson. He taught me that I cannot buy his grace. He taught me that I am an ugly person on the inside and his love for me was not because I earned it.

In my own life, I can relate to the first son in the parable of the prodical son. Both me and the first son struggle with jealousy, with wanting to earn our father's love, with the feeling of unfairness. Both of us has a distorted view of how much our father loves us. I often compare myself to clay while the others are made out of porcelin. They are much more refined, much more cultured and much more precious than me. I am angry at why I was not made a certain way. I am angry at why I wasn't loved a certain way. I question people when they say they love me. Those thoughts, those comparisons weakened me in my walk with God. Those impure thoughts weighed heavily in my heart and I struggled to get rid of it. Those worldly views has no place in my heart where God lives. I must choose, either God or the world.