Random thoughts. I hate taking initiatives and I have no idea how. I think it is totally by God's amazing grace that I have friends!!! It's like he planned for me to come to MSU and dropped a bunch of amazing people into my life. I never had to work for it. I wish I did. I wish I knew how. Lately, it has been a struggle of mine to come to the conclusion that I will be left alone for two years at MSU by myself. This thought is rather depressing and it has been boggling my mind. Don't know....As some of you already know, one of the biggest fear of mine is saying goodbyes. I think I can deal with it if I didn't have friends to begin with, but now that I have them, and tasted the wonderful fruit of friendship, I am going to miss it. In fact, I already am missing it. Wow...it's already the end of the semester and I am starting to feel really lonely. I guess it is normal when you are out of the circle, and out of the loop. I start to question what am I doing here? Where am I even going with my life? Will I make it? Do I have a purpose here in life? How am I serving God with my life right now? nothing...the thought of, you are lazy, you are worthless keep crossing my mind. This is all a lie and I know it. I have proof....psalm 139.; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderul. I know that full well. I am fighting it. I came to the conclusion that everyone have a deep seated struggle that will be hard to get rid of. Sometimes, you can't because it will always come back and bite you in the butt when you are not on your defense. For some people, they struggle with body image and the desire to be loved. For me, it is self worth. When something goes wrong, or when lonliness hit, I feel worthless.
So what is my life....school...school...and school. I am so sick of school!! Will I be satisfied if I am busy? No...i don't think so. I think it would be easier to hide my loneliness behind the busy schedule but once I slow down, I realized that it is still there..I am just more aware of it. This weeks ccf really spoke my heart. It made me realized how thirsty I was. I was lonely and thirsty for God but I didn't know it. Why? Because I was DOING my quiet times. I was reading my bible and praying. Why isn't it enough? Because my heart had no peace. My mind was filled but not of Godly things.