I went home this weekend and I saw my family for a little bit. I know my dad was really happy to see me although we hardly spoke more than three words to each other. The relationship in my home is a really weird one. Our love for each other is seldom expressed in ways that normal people would through personal touches, words of affirmation, gifts, serving, and quality time. Nope...we don't have any of that. That leads me to question, "do I really have a loving home?" I mean, my family provides everything I need and I can't be more certain that they care....but is something still missing? Do you really need to talk to each other in order for a family to be a family? Maybe it's a cutural thing. Maybe I just have a super mundane, inward family. No gossips, no fights, no problems right? I feel very ambiguous sometimes cause, on one hand, that is one thing I love the most about my family...the normalcy. On the other hand, there are no personal connections with each other besides our gene. There is a reason why I am talking about my family all of a sudden. This weekend, I got a chance to talk to my mom on our way to the grocery store. As usual, she drives and I talk, however, this time I decided to go deeper and allow her to know about my "personal life"....something I NEVER done before. (yea..kinda sad). Let me tell you, it was rather uncomfortable because she has no response whatsoever as to what I have to tell her. I couldn't tell whether she was mad, happy, worried, because she was so expressionless. The most frustrating part is, she always interrupts as i was talking. After she did this numerous times, I started to wonder whether she did it on purpose. Maybe she was really uncomfortable with me opening up to her like that. Finally, I said to her, "Mom, if you don't ask me questions today, I may not tell you later when you ask me." Let me tell you, that got her attention all right. I also told her how important it was for her to know what's going on with school, friends, etc. I needed her approval and support through prayers and words of affirmation. I told her that I want her to start getting used to hearing more about me cause I don't want to throw a big chunk of my life at her later on. By telling her about my life, I wanted to break her out of her "Chinese mentality" and be more open minded to the American culture. My conversation with her was a little hard at first. First, it was a little difficult to express to her my feelings from English to Chinese. I wanted to make sure she totally understand my emotions as well as facts. Second, she wasn't there for most of the things I had to go through so she could not possibly understand without seeing me go through it first hand. Third, she had no clue as to how I think and what's important to me. She definately does not value the same things I do. So anyways...after I babble on and on...I could tell she began to see my life in 3D. I could tell she thought about a lot of things that haven't crossed her mind before. For instance, she never considered the fact that I AM a hard core Christian American girl. (not suggesting I am a super Christian) Other than the fact that I know a lot of Chinese traditions and speaks different languages, I am conformed to the American way of thinking. Let me give an example. My "future family" is going to be very different from mine now. My family is going to receive lotsa hugs, and kisses. It is going to be like one of those folders crystal commercials where the kids jumps into their parent's bed in the morn. We will have movie nights together with popcorn and hot chocolate. We will all mesh into one big comfy sofa and read books by the fire place. We are going to have dinner together at a table and talk about things that went on in each other's lives. Thanksgiving, Christmas, at our house, will be filled with people, presents, and a big ole Christmas tree. We will go bob sledding, bake cookies...etc. I am going to be active in at my kid's school, and try to attend every game, plays, orchestra etc. I don't know....is this realistic? This is what I want but will God bless me with it? Maybe he will bless me even more than I can imagine. Maybe I want all these things cause I've been so deprived all my life. Who could possibly understand? Will I find a guy who wants the same things I do?? huhhh....