These last two weeks has been fire pit for me. I have never said so many darn, frick, and piss words in my life. I feel aweful. I feel the anger swelling up inside of me and I don't know what to do with it. Sometimes I would swallow it and pretend things aren't as bad as they seemed. Sometimes I would get really angry at God for allowing certain things to happen. Other times, I would throw punches at my pillow but that never seems to work because it is too soft. I think ultimately, what I need is to be pushed to the point of tears. After the teardrops, I would feel a lot better and everything is alright again. It never fails. I think sometimes, I need a severe beating. I would rather feel pain then to feel nothing at all because pain reassures me that I am real. I would rather feel pain than allow my insides to eat itself up. Underneath it all, the real problem lies with me wanting to be in control. It is a characteristic flaw of mine. I think a lot of people are that way also. Because of this, I think it is very hard for me to except not having things my way. It upsets me a great deal when all my plans don't turn out the way I want it to. What a great dissappointment in life huh? I think lately, I missed a lot of laughter, and a lot of opportunity to care for someone else. I was so busy with my own life that I totally didn't see a friend in need...a friend who has deeper issues than me. I wasted a lot of emotions over nothing. What are all our worries?? They turn out to be nothing after all.